Recently, I've been caught staring at people. Well, "staring" being their choice of words while "gazing intently" would be mine. I brush it off as just me gazing off into space daydreaming as usual; which they believe because they know I think excessively. The truth is, I'm gazing intently at them because I want to make sure I remember them in their entirety, with utmost fidelity. I want to make sure I preserve them as they are at the moment that I looked at them. Because there's no certainty that I'd get to see them again. Because death is on its own clock.

These thoughts started more than a month ago. I realise that our time is indefinite, maybe we're here and all is well today but then maybe we'd be gone tomorrow. There's zero certainty. When you go to sleep, you don't "know" there is a tomorrow in store for you. You assume, you hope and you guess based on your current condition. Again, there is no certainty. Going with this train of thought: When you say goodbye, there is no certainty that you'll be able to see the other person again. Maybe misfortune befalls either of you. You don't know enough to rule it out and dismiss it as a possibility, however small it is. The chinese phrase for this, 再见, hints at this. There is an implied hope that we'd be able to see the other person again. This means a lot more to me now, because I realise that I really, really do hope to be able to see them again. That's why I want to use 再见 instead of just "bye". It means a lot to me.

Maybe I'm overthinking things, just as I always do. However, I feel that I need to think this way in order to gain a deeper appreciation of my life (which I should because it is precious and short), and to cherish the people around me more. I can't live as if humans are invincible any more, as I've done for the past 18 years. That naivety is too long lost for that. Yes, it is painful to live like this. However, I believe my life is enriched because of these realisations. It's painful to have thoughts of death plague you every day, painful to live with the fact that your existence is not assured at any given moment. Yet, living with these thoughts make life more meaningful. You are more thankful. You sigh a relief at the magic of being able to wake up and see a new day. You let go of anger. You become a more magnanimous person. You cherish more. You feel less entitled. You feel more eager to fight. You feel more alive (how ironic that is). Hence, I'm willing to live with this pain. Because then, my existence is of a higher character, in spite of the fact that in the grander scheme of things, it is largely insignificant. And that comforts me.

Live the moment. Give all your attention to the moment. Influence the moment in your own way and eternalise your imprint on it. Maybe it won't matter when you're gone, but make everything better when you're still here. Do it for not just others, but yourself.

I wanna live right. I promise to give "me" my best shot. Because "I" will be gone eventually.

~Win Ee