Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with atowering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever. It is a terrifying dilemma to be in and to have to live with. The lower animals are, of course, spared this painful contradiction, as they lack a symbolic identity and the self-consciousness that goes with it. They merely act and move reflexively as they are driven by their instincts. If they pause at all, it is only a physical pause; inside they are anonymous, and even their faces have no name. They live in a world without time, pulsating, as it were, in a state of dumb being. This is what has made it so simple to shoot down whole herds of buffalo or elephants. The animals don't know that death is hap­pening and continue grazing placidly while others drop alongside them. The knowledge of death is reflective and conceptual, and animals are spared it. They live and they disappear with the same thoughtlessness: a few minutes of fear, a few seconds of anguish, and it is over. But to live a whole lifetime with the fate of death haunting one's dreams and even the most sun-filled days—that's something else. - Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

It's been almost 2 months since I've encountered my existential crisis. I have no doubt that I see the world differently from before that point in time. The sudden realisation that life is without inherent meaning hit me out of the blue and sent me reeling. I'm not sure I've recovered from it yet, but I suppose I'm doing much better than the days that immediately followed that epiphany (for the lack of a better word; an epiphany would have positive connotations perhaps pertaining to dealing with this existential crisis), during which I felt lifeless, depressed and deeply fearful. 


As Maslow or Rogers would opine, man is driven by a need to understand the meaning behind their existence or purpose and achieving their full potential in the context of that meaning. In the aftermath of the above-mentioned "epiphany", I couldn't find any. In midst of the chaos and dissonance induced by my death-anxiety, my mind was frothing with thoughts that everything I do was for nought; everything I endeavoured was inherently meaningless because with the eventual ceasing of my existence, nothing would matter. 


Even now, I doubt that there is an inherent "meaning" to life, though I still seek it, as would be expected of my human nature. What is "meaning" anyway? Meaning is merely a concept constructed by man to complement their agency, to convince themselves that there is a special significance behind what they do. Because men are driven to act purposefully, and meaning serves as as their guide and the direction to channel their purposeful actions towards. Without meaning, it is extremely difficult to live and act normally knowing that everything you do has no special significance. It is a big "So what?" to which there is no reasonable retort for. And that must be agonising to live with, passing the days by without human dignity and the enthusiasm that is endogenously generated by knowing your own special significance in this world. So we pretend that meaning exists. Even though it is ultimately arbitrary. Because we are bound by it, and we cannot function and live without it. Note the usage of the word "live". A person can exist independently of meaning, but I'm certain the same person cannot live independently of it, as "living" is purpose-driven.


Right now, I'm still trying to figure out the nature of life and meaning, but progress is limited and I regret my neglect of my spiritual development, which I acknowledge that would be helpful in resolving this crisis. As it is, I'm picking up ideas from which I'm trying to assimilate to form a personal worldview, which is hopefully the basis of a foundation I can derive my own meaning from. I'm mostly drawing them from buddhism, because I intuitively agree with its views. Being a non-theistic religion also helps, because through simple inductive reasoning, I am reasonably that a god does not exist. To imply the existence of a creator behind our existence, we must logically assume that the creator itself must be created by a more complex creator.  And following that logic, we have an infinite loop wherein a preceding creator always exists. The logic falls through because ultimately, a creator is something - and it is absurd that at its very origin, it was derived from nothing. Alternatively, devotees of a god reason that god doesn't have to be created, it just is. However, if that statement can be made, the statement that "the universe doesn't have to be created, is just is" would be superior, because it makes less assumptions. Occam's razor. 


Bit of digress. Back to buddhism. I am not a buddhist practitioner. I merely am absorbing its ideas, of which I am intuitively attracted towards. If I find it as a whole to appeal and agreeable to me, I may adopt it as my formal religion, even though I have always been a "buddhist by heritage" (not by beliefs nor practice). It's truths appeal to me, and I am attracted to its fundamental laws of transience and dependent origination. They make sense to me, and I accept them totally. 


I'm still in search of meaning, and trying to make sense of the world. As I see it right now, meaning is arbitrary and the world is a lonely, lonely place. Maybe that will change. I don't know. I don't know if buddhism is the answer either. I just know as long as I exist, I will try to live and find meaning. 


My current sentiments regarding all this mirrors that of Marley's from A little bit of heaven. I envy people who have absolute faith, blind and unwavering faith that a god exists. That an eternal life awaits on the other side. That a kind and merciful god who intimately and graciously listens and tends to our needs, watches over us, empowers us as long as we ask for strength and tides us over obstacles as long as we just have faith and pray to Him. Unfortunately, I cannot accept that. I know because I have tried to before, and I couldn't see a god. I couldn't be faithful without any justification nor evidence behind it. Faith in those circumstances would betray a lack of integrity and dignity. I wish it were different. 


Still. 


~Win Ee