It seemed not too long ago that it was Lunar New Year. Time certainly passes quickly. That has been especially been the case for the past 3 or so months. Seems like there's an association with meaninglessness/emptiness and the days flying by. Days that go by without purpose aren't encoded well in memory and hence it's as if a lot of nothing has happened. I don't remember much of the days. It's a difficult enough existence without meaning/purpose; without memories to keep me going it's been worse. Everything seems so insignificant. What the hell have I been doing. What the heck is this aimlessness.

I abhor this anhedonia. It takes a lot of effort to choose to be happy nowadays. It's exhausting to keep rejecting negative thoughts and force positive ones unto myself. I keep fighting to be normal again but the normalcy of 4 months back has been elusive and fleeting even if I seem to grasp it. I want to feel like the world means something again. It's just a cycle of emptiness and abject bitterness that I feel right now. Occasionally, my friends and family drag me out and give me hope, but the cycle's a hungry hungry black hole. Those occasions are transitory, however comforting they may have been. It is a lasting reprieve that I seek. I seek answers to this emptiness.

I've questioned a lot. I'm not sure sacrificing so much for acad success has been the right thing to do, considering that it does not translate for sure into work-life success. I'm not sure struggling so much to live up to people's expectations is worth the pain. I'm not sure anything I do is worth the opportunity cost. I'm not sure which way's the right way to go. I'm not sure of myself. I'm not sure.

I'm 25% into my life and I'm not sure.

Not sure.

Win Ee