solbreak O_O

FUCK I NEED TIME

2012-01-30T01:11:00.002+08:00

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me. - Melvin Udall, As Good as It Gets

What an amazing quote. Watched this film for my abnormal psychology group project. Was worth every minute of my time.

Speaking of time. I hardly have any left to myself. It sucks being the group leader for almost all the projects. I'm killing myself scheduling and tanking up work. I'm no machine, I need sleep and play. 3 more weeks, and I'll be free from all these.

Unless/Especially if I die, of course.

~Win Ee

Reminiscence of times spent with a feline companion.

2012-01-25T23:56:00.002+08:00

It's ironic that given my IDGAF attitude nowadays, I would care so much about this. My favourite cat is leaving with my sis tomorrow, I'll miss his company. A lot. He was snobby and cold at first, but he's got a heart of gold.

He sits beside me when I'm doing work late at night, perhaps knowing that I'm stressed out and feeling alone. He sits beside me when I'm slacking, perhaps knowing that I'm still lonely and seeking companionship. He sits beside me when I'm watching TV, perhaps knowing that I need an audience for my commentary. He sits beside me when I'm reading, perhaps knowing that I'd like to share him a story. He's always beside me. It'll feel different without him sitting beside me on my 2-seater leather sofa.

He's also considerate, giving me massages when I'm weary and only shitting when others are around so I don't have to clean up his mess. Ha ha.

Happy 10th birthday Rex, hope you'll find your new place a better home. I'll visit you sometime and you can sit beside me on the sofa again when I do. Love you.

~Win Ee

2012-01-21T15:10:00.002+08:00

My sanity's at risk.

A long, long pursuit of normalcy. This pretense of happiness is out of vogue.

2012-01-20T21:53:00.003+08:00

It seemed not too long ago that it was Lunar New Year. Time certainly passes quickly. That has been especially been the case for the past 3 or so months. Seems like there's an association with meaninglessness/emptiness and the days flying by. Days that go by without purpose aren't encoded well in memory and hence it's as if a lot of nothing has happened. I don't remember much of the days. It's a difficult enough existence without meaning/purpose; without memories to keep me going it's been worse. Everything seems so insignificant. What the hell have I been doing. What the heck is this aimlessness.

I abhor this anhedonia. It takes a lot of effort to choose to be happy nowadays. It's exhausting to keep rejecting negative thoughts and force positive ones unto myself. I keep fighting to be normal again but the normalcy of 4 months back has been elusive and fleeting even if I seem to grasp it. I want to feel like the world means something again. It's just a cycle of emptiness and abject bitterness that I feel right now. Occasionally, my friends and family drag me out and give me hope, but the cycle's a hungry hungry black hole. Those occasions are transitory, however comforting they may have been. It is a lasting reprieve that I seek. I seek answers to this emptiness.

I've questioned a lot. I'm not sure sacrificing so much for acad success has been the right thing to do, considering that it does not translate for sure into work-life success. I'm not sure struggling so much to live up to people's expectations is worth the pain. I'm not sure anything I do is worth the opportunity cost. I'm not sure which way's the right way to go. I'm not sure of myself. I'm not sure.

I'm 25% into my life and I'm not sure.

Not sure.

Win Ee

Stress is toxic.

2012-01-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

It's 2012. I haven't been able to post my resolutions nor the fun I've been up to lately. Actually, the latter is a lie. Assignments are no fun at all, and they're all that I'm doing lately. Yet, I don't think I'm keeping up. I'm rushing for deadline after deadline, and this madness doesn't seem to be subsiding anytime soon...at least not until february's end, but that looks like a long ass time away. Stress, oh stress. I sometimes wish I weren't such a type-A person, because then I wouldn't be so susceptible to the effects of stress. Often get stressed induced head, stomach and chest pains. It's just pure suffering right now.

I know that will come to pass, though. Just letting off some steam with this post. Go me.

~Win Ee.

2011-12-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

Studies #1 but if I meet the person who's perfect for me I'm not going to pass the opportunity up again stupidly. Go for it, settle down asap, get my studies over and done with and start on my career. I'm a quarter through my life and this' my plan for the next 10 years. Maybe the plan will work out, but just as we may plan for life, life may have its own plans for us as well. Hopefully I can look back on this in 2022 with positivity and just a little hint of nostalgia.

In pursuit of meaning. Envying those who have a god but not being able to accept its existence.

2011-12-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with atowering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever. It is a terrifying dilemma to be in and to have to live with. The lower animals are, of course, spared this painful contradiction, as they lack a symbolic identity and the self-consciousness that goes with it. They merely act and move reflexively as they are driven by their instincts. If they pause at all, it is only a physical pause; inside they are anonymous, and even their faces have no name. They live in a world without time, pulsating, as it were, in a state of dumb being. This is what has made it so simple to shoot down whole herds of buffalo or elephants. The animals don't know that death is happening and continue grazing placidly while others drop alongside them. The knowledge of death is reflective and conceptual, and animals are spared it. They live and they disappear with the same thoughtlessness: a few minutes of fear, a few seconds of anguish, and it is over. But to live a whole lifetime with the fate of death haunting one's dreams and even the most sun-filled days—that's something else. - Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

It's been almost 2 months since I've encountered my existential crisis. I have no doubt that I see the world differently from before that point in time. The sudden realisation that life is without inherent meaning hit me out of the blue and sent me reeling. I'm not sure I've recovered from it yet, but I suppose I'm doing much better than the days that immediately followed that epiphany (for the lack of a better word; an epiphany would have positive connotations perhaps pertaining to dealing with this existential crisis), during which I felt lifeless, depressed and deeply fearful.

As Maslow or Rogers would opine, man is driven by a need to understand the meaning behind their existence or purpose and achieving their full potential in the context of that meaning. In the aftermath of the above-mentioned "epiphany", I couldn't find any. In midst of the chaos and dissonance induced by my death-anxiety, my mind was frothing with thoughts that everything I do was for nought; everything I endeavoured was inherently meaningless because with the eventual ceasing of my existence, nothing would matter.

Even now, I doubt that there is an inherent "meaning" to life, though I still seek it, as would be expected of my human nature. What is "meaning" anyway? Meaning is merely a concept constructed by man to complement their agency, to convince themselves that there is a special significance behind what they do. Because men are driven to act purposefully, and meaning serves as as their guide and the direction to channel their purposeful actions towards. Without meaning, it is extremely difficult to live and act normally knowing that everything you do has no special significance. It is a big "So what?" to which there is no reasonable retort for. And that must be agonising to live with, passing the days by without human dignity and the enthusiasm that is endogenously generated by knowing your own special significance in this world. So we pretend that meaning exists. Even though it is ultimately arbitrary. Because we are bound by it, and we cannot function and live without it. Note the usage of the word "live". A person can exist independently of meaning, but I'm certain the same person cannot live independently of it, as "living" is purpose-driven.

Right now, I'm still trying to figure out the nature of life and meaning, but progress is limited and I regret my neglect of my spiritual development, which I acknowledge that would be helpful in resolving this crisis. As it is, I'm picking up ideas from which I'm trying to assimilate to form a personal worldview, which is hopefully the basis of a foundation I can derive my own meaning from. I'm mostly drawing them from buddhism, because I intuitively agree with its views. Being a non-theistic religion also helps, because through simple inductive reasoning, I am reasonably that a god does not exist. To imply the existence of a creator behind our existence, we must logically assume that the creator itself must be created by a more complex creator. And following that logic, we have an infinite loop wherein a preceding creator always exists. The logic falls through because ultimately, a creator is something - and it is absurd that at its very origin, it was derived from nothing. Alternatively, devotees of a god reason that god doesn't have to be created, it just is. However, if that statement can be made, the statement that "the universe doesn't have to be created, is just is" would be superior, because it makes less assumptions. Occam's razor.

Bit of digress. Back to buddhism. I am not a buddhist practitioner. I merely am absorbing its ideas, of which I am intuitively attracted towards. If I find it as a whole to appeal and agreeable to me, I may adopt it as my formal religion, even though I have always been a "buddhist by heritage" (not by beliefs nor practice). It's truths appeal to me, and I am attracted to its fundamental laws of transience and dependent origination. They make sense to me, and I accept them totally.

I'm still in search of meaning, and trying to make sense of the world. As I see it right now, meaning is arbitrary and the world is a lonely, lonely place. Maybe that will change. I don't know. I don't know if buddhism is the answer either. I just know as long as I exist, I will try to live and find meaning.

My current sentiments regarding all this mirrors that of Marley's from A little bit of heaven. I envy people who have absolute faith, blind and unwavering faith that a god exists. That an eternal life awaits on the other side. That a kind and merciful god who intimately and graciously listens and tends to our needs, watches over us, empowers us as long as we ask for strength and tides us over obstacles as long as we just have faith and pray to Him. Unfortunately, I cannot accept that. I know because I have tried to before, and I couldn't see a god. I couldn't be faithful without any justification nor evidence behind it. Faith in those circumstances would betray a lack of integrity and dignity. I wish it were different.

Still.

~Win Ee

2011-12-09T21:14:00.000+08:00

Thought of the day: The universe doesn't have a beginning or an end; it just is.

It's been awhile since my last update. I'm not doing too well, plagued by a throat infection infection so bad that I've yet to recover from it even after an injection and a full course of antibiotics. Yeah, not well at all. Barely getting by.

On the school front, all has been pretty...... iffy. I handed in a really bad literature review by my own standards and it really cramped my style. I'm so used to consistently handing in quality assignments: creating the atmosphere of invincibility, cultivating absolute and unflinching belief in my own quality and conditioning myself to have extreme self-efficacy, but it's all been undermined by a bad piece of assignment.

I have a strong sense of duty to myself; when I hand in bad work, I beat myself up and am extremely self-critical about it. People call me an overachiever and market-spoiler; I guess that's sort of right but my motivation behind handing in the best quality work is to not let myself and the people who believe in me down. That particular assignment really planted a seed of doubt in my own ability to live up to expectations: that of my own, and others. I took it to heart a lot. Even though WP's yet to mark it and said it looks okay, I knew that wasn't my best effort. And to me, that's what sucks the most of all.

I'm on track to recover from that setback, but it'll take time. I did decently on my french test, consecutive 100%s on my personality class quizzes and handed in a decent assignment on personality, but I don't feel like I have "it" anymore. Maybe I'll get to keep my 4.0 this semester, maybe I won't but all I know is to keep trying. It's quite bad dealing with not giving my best at school, but the social domain in school has been giving me issues too. It's more complicated and burdensome to deal with as compared to school work, and frankly I just don't want to care. A bit of an upside would be finding out who I can count on when I need a lifeline: the 5 people who were at KFC whom I knew I could share something I wouldn't usually share with others, someone who watches over me, group mates who give a shit about me and picked up the slack when I was really ill, and someone I wouldn't want to burden but is very willing to help share mine. Really thankful to have these guardian angels around during this difficult time.

On a less depressing note, I've finally met a person who could sweep me off my feet without saying a single word. It's been awhile since I've met someone like that and I'm not willing to let this opportunity pass by. It's a pity that I'll have to set this conquest aside to focus on term tests next week, but it's something to look forward to.

Christmas shopping on the 19th, then meeting a bunch of awesome people for christmas and new year. I see some light; this tunnel isn't as endless as I thought it'd be after all.

~Win Ee

2011-11-28T00:16:00.001+08:00

I can't do this alone. I'm trying to seek help. But it isn't readily available.

2011-11-26T13:28:00.002+08:00

I appreciate this agony. I want to keenly remember it so I can let this be a source of strength in the future. I don't ever want to let myself down like this again. I needed this setback. It was coming.

~Win Ee

2011-11-18T21:56:00.003+08:00

I need to pull myself out of this depression.

2011-11-16T01:50:00.002+08:00

Attachment styles change.

I used to have a secure attachment style.

Not any more.

I have a fearful attachment style now.

I need some cognitive restructuring.

It's not as tough as it should be to endure though because I have people who cling on to me if I want to leave and people who care about me even though I distance myself emotionally.

I am thankful for that.

Even if my emotional restraint causes me to be unable to show it.

Thank you for being here in my life.

Thank you for being here for me.

Win Ee.

2011-11-13T22:38:00.000+08:00

My sis is now Mrs. Lim.

Need to get used to that fact.

What an amazing day.

~Win Ee

2011-11-13T00:25:00.002+08:00

Living as a pampered little brother whose primary job is to be doted upon, I've never done anything of note for my eldest sis. I've never expressed how much she meant to me. I guess I'm not very good at that, in general. However for later today, my sister's wedding day, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure she's the happiest bride on earth. That's all I want tomorrow. I'm sorry for being such an inadequate little brother. But I'll make damn sure you're happy.

~Win Ee

2011-11-11T01:07:00.002+08:00

It's really great to have people who can share your burdens with and whom you know you can depend on.

~Win Ee

2011-11-08T12:16:00.001+08:00

I hate it that I have to hang out with people I don't want to hang out with in order to hang out with people that I DO want to hang out with. Sigh.

2011-11-07T23:25:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've been caught staring at people. Well, "staring" being their choice of words while "gazing intently" would be mine. I brush it off as just me gazing off into space daydreaming as usual; which they believe because they know I think excessively. The truth is, I'm gazing intently at them because I want to make sure I remember them in their entirety, with utmost fidelity. I want to make sure I preserve them as they are at the moment that I looked at them. Because there's no certainty that I'd get to see them again. Because death is on its own clock.

These thoughts started more than a month ago. I realise that our time is indefinite, maybe we're here and all is well today but then maybe we'd be gone tomorrow. There's zero certainty. When you go to sleep, you don't "know" there is a tomorrow in store for you. You assume, you hope and you guess based on your current condition. Again, there is no certainty. Going with this train of thought: When you say goodbye, there is no certainty that you'll be able to see the other person again. Maybe misfortune befalls either of you. You don't know enough to rule it out and dismiss it as a possibility, however small it is. The chinese phrase for this, 再见, hints at this. There is an implied hope that we'd be able to see the other person again. This means a lot more to me now, because I realise that I really, really do hope to be able to see them again. That's why I want to use 再见 instead of just "bye". It means a lot to me.

Maybe I'm overthinking things, just as I always do. However, I feel that I need to think this way in order to gain a deeper appreciation of my life (which I should because it is precious and short), and to cherish the people around me more. I can't live as if humans are invincible any more, as I've done for the past 18 years. That naivety is too long lost for that. Yes, it is painful to live like this. However, I believe my life is enriched because of these realisations. It's painful to have thoughts of death plague you every day, painful to live with the fact that your existence is not assured at any given moment. Yet, living with these thoughts make life more meaningful. You are more thankful. You sigh a relief at the magic of being able to wake up and see a new day. You let go of anger. You become a more magnanimous person. You cherish more. You feel less entitled. You feel more eager to fight. You feel more alive (how ironic that is). Hence, I'm willing to live with this pain. Because then, my existence is of a higher character, in spite of the fact that in the grander scheme of things, it is largely insignificant. And that comforts me.

Live the moment. Give all your attention to the moment. Influence the moment in your own way and eternalise your imprint on it. Maybe it won't matter when you're gone, but make everything better when you're still here. Do it for not just others, but yourself.

I wanna live right. I promise to give "me" my best shot. Because "I" will be gone eventually.

~Win Ee

2011-11-06T20:34:00.001+08:00

If I only get to live once, I'll make sure I live it right. So that I'd be at peace waiting for eternal oblivion.

~Win Ee

2011-10-30T12:15:00.003+08:00

I'm not a people pleaser by nature, but I choose the choice that makes everyone happy because it'd be a choice I'd be happy living with as well more often than not. But it's not that simple a choice to make anymore. Sometimes, it does seem like I'm the only one vexed and unhappy after I've made a choice. Find compromise? In the end I'm the one making the concessions. It does get tiresome sometimes.

Stuck in this rut. Hope this is temporary.

~Win Ee

2011-10-28T22:16:00.004+08:00

The loneliness is excruciating sometimes. I'm with people but I feel out of place. It's bad enough feeling like you're the third wheel, much less when you're the fifth wheel. I guess that's what happens when your best friends at school are couples. They all accomodate me and make me feel like important to them, but I can't help but feel that it's not my place. It just kills me inside sometimes. I'm afraid I'm not giving them enough couple space, and when they do their thing I get slightly annoyed. Behind that annoyance is enviousness and a tinge of self-doubt/pity. I'm not jealous; seeing them happy makes me happy. In fact, I'd do anything to keep them as they are. Because it just wouldn't feel right if they weren't couples. I just can't help but think that I want to be like them too. Have somebody. Somebody to confide in. To depend on. To care about me. To be there for me. I'm nineteen and I haven't found the person who's meant for me. Meant, because I still believe in fate, in disney endings and affinity. I don't know how long it'll take though but it's a painful wait. Ah, a rush of melancholy and exasperation. I'll be okay.

~Win Ee

2011-10-16T12:51:00.002+08:00

Been sick for 4 days already. A bit listless, a bit miserable but all else is well. It's been 2 weeks of inner turmoil but somehow I'm almost back to normalcy. I suppose my picking up calligraphy recently must've helped a bit. The mind's supposed to be empty when you pick up a brush. Whatever state you're in when you write, the strokes reflect it. It's a perfect emotion-meter. I'm still not very good at depriving myself of thoughts and feelings, but I'm learning. Funny how it's so difficult; not thinking, not feeling.

2011-10-10T12:29:00.001+08:00

I'm amazed by how ignorant I am. I'm still not enlightened at all. I suppose my pursuit of inner peace shall be a lifelong one...?

2011-10-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

I give myself until 20/10 to feel this way. I can't live right with the way I'm feeling.

Epiphany, closure.

2011-10-05T22:20:00.001+08:00

I've found meaning! WOOHOO.

HAKUNA MATATA PEOPLE.

~Win Ee

Epiphany

2011-10-03T21:13:00.002+08:00

I was always aware of what's important, but only now do I realise how important they are to me. I no longer have any interest in meaningless pursuits. I want to spend a shitload more time with my family, hang out with friends, do what I'm crazy passionate about, and love while I can. There's so many things I want to do. There's so much of the world I want to see. I want to stretch my horizons as far as I'll go before I die. I want to live knowing that I've experienced the best that life has got to offer. I hope I have enough time. I'll do my best to make the most of it.

2011-10-02T20:09:00.000+08:00

Right chemistry, wrong timing as always.

2011-09-28T00:23:00.001+08:00

Another update. The holidays have been a blast for me thus far; from random outings to subcomm camp to the F1 concerts over the weekend.

I'm spending qwah-lee-tee time with my family and friends, and that's all I'm asking of for this hols really. Just spending some time with them is already a luxury given that I'm so strapped for time during school days. Random thought: Come to think of it, I'm living my life like how I'd be playing an RPG - max out one domain *ahem*school*ahem*, shitty in all others. Shitty as in adding 0 attribute points. Shitty as in I feel like a loser. Especially with regards to friends. I feel that I didn't do as I've should with regards to holding on to some of my closest friends - sometimes I feel the distance between us is ostensibly increasing, and it's but a matter of when we'll be estranged and mere acquaintances.

Obviously it's my own conscious decision to focus 100% on school so I don't feel bitter or resentful, just lamenting that what I'd known to be inevitable did really happen. Screw you, cause and effect. Screw you, opportunity cost.

I'll just keep holding on to these relationships the best I can I guess? I figure I did well in this regard this hols.

So yeah, this life RPG I'm playing, I guess I'm reaping the benefits of maxing out school because I came through this sem with a 4! Honestly I was pleasantly surprised with the results because I was struggling so much - I was sick once a fortnight and each time lasted a few days and that really sapped me of my energy. Furthermore I was suffering from burnout too, only the thought of not wanting to let the people who believed in me down and my group's support kept me going. I really went all out for them even though I felt really disenchanted, thankfully this was dully rewarded. Somehow, a cumulative 4, three semesters in. I owe it all to everyone who's been giving me strength in their own little ways; I really appreciate it even though I might not be able to put it in words. So yeah, 19 subjects, 16 Zs 3 As. Hopefully the trend continues and someday I'd be able to tell my mom, "look ma, straight Zs!" and savour the proud look on her face. That's the dream. Because I love my mom and I just want her to be able to be proud of me like I know she wants to. And then I'd be happy.

Something that really annoys me - why do people keep asking me why I'm still single? I mean - ask about anything else, there's plenty about my life to talk about. I really need to talk about how this annoys me -
1. I get this often.
2. Hasn't the thought that it's outside of my control occur to them before asking me this?
3. I'm tired of being single too but again, I can't.

But I guess honestly these feelings of aversion towards the people are wholly unwarranted because it's a question that's normal to ask of someone I guess. So thanks for caring about me and please don't feel bad if you realised I felt annoyed.

On point no. 3: I can't because my mom won't approve of it. And I grudgingly agree with her. I know I won't be able to excel in school if I have a girlfriend now and frankly right now school's the most important thing to me. And heck I listen to my mom even when I feel she's wrong so regarding this when I know she's right...it is just a non-discussion. My mom would know I know she's right (LOL). It does get very tough sometimes watching everyone get attached and be lovey dovey around you, want to hang out with friends but you feel like you're the odd one out because everyone's with their other half, constant teasing about being forever alone, and the toughest of all - the deep sense of enviousness, loneliness and longing. And furthermore, the steps I have to take to distance myself from girls I actually am interested in is just tragicomedy really. However - I want the best for me. I don't know for sure if this is but it seems to me it is. Just hoping it'll be worth it in the end!

Kind of ending on an anti-climax but hey I'm basically rambling and blogging on a whim anyway. Tired.

~Win Ee

2011-08-20T21:27:00.002+08:00

Blog's getting dusty again isn't it...? What can I say. I've been busy. Busy's an understatement in fact; I've had so much on my plate, carrying despite being ill, exams, projects etc. I've hardly had a breather. Nonetheless, there are definitely people who have it tougher than I do so I suppose that helps to put my misery into context and make me realise that what I'm facing is really, really insignificant and I should just push on. Just 3 more exams to go, and I'll be free.

And you, get out of my head now.

~Win Ee

2011-06-30T00:00:00.001+08:00

2011-06-19T17:20:00.003+08:00

Hello world. Wow, I can hardly believe how long it's been since the last time I've posted. Cliched, but time sure does fly. I've about 20 minutes till I set off to Bryan's birthday gathering so I figured now's as good as any time to brush the dust off this blog.

Everything's going fine and dandy so far in life, it's hard to describe the trend of days but yet they've been far from mundane. The only black patch would be the term test week a fortnight ago. I'd rate my performance 4/10. I was in a terrible shape, mentally and physically. 40 degree fevers are no joke, especially when you've got no choice but to do revision. That said, the most disappointing thing about the term tests were that I didn't perform to the levels I knew I was capable of, not that I know I'd do terribly. I'm not exactly looking forward to less than satisfactory results, but I know it'll be okay if I don't view it via my perfectionist glasses. Besides, I'll definitely kick some ass the next assessment :)

A recurring theme recently is the growing importance of money in my life. I've always thought that I was an intrinsically motivated person, and hence I'd just go for a job that interests me and pay would be less of a consideration. Now, I feel that there has to be a compromise between passion for the job and pay. What prompted the change? I guess it has to do with seeing how my sis is coping with the costs of getting married, paying for her new home and furnishings. My sis and her fiance are pretty well-to-do in their respective careers and have a lot of potential when it comes to career advancement, but housing costs are nonetheless a great worry for them. I see them being vexed, worried and apprehensive about their ability to compromise cost and their ideal home, and their emotions are infectious. I too, am worried about my future. I want to be able to support my family. I want to give them the best. I want my mom and dad to fully enjoy their twilight years. I want the best nest for my wife and I. I want to give my children the best. I want them to grow up in an enriching environment. I don't want to be in debt for about a quarter of my life. I want to be liberated from my fear of a lack of living space and feeling like I'm an arowana in a goldfish bowl. These thoughts are floating about in my subconscious, arising to my consciousness when my sis' housing worries and issues pop up. Should I continue down my path to be a researcher/teacher? I don't know. Yes, I think I'd be a good teacher and yes I'd love to be a cognitive scientist. But at the same time, engraved in my worldview is the belief that family and providing for which is a huge part of meaning to life. How do I resolve this? I'm still in the process of finding out.

It's going to be a long journey ahead.

~Win Ee

I can't shake those memories.

2011-01-27T22:05:00.003+08:00

Hi. It's been awhile.

An update. I'm midway through my semester, with assignment deadlines stacking up. Yes, CNY overlaps with assignment due dates. Sucks, but I suppose there's nothing I can do about that.

I think I've gotten really complacent after how I've done for my midterms (90% for phy/94% IO/ 97% percog), and I'm currently stuck with this really stupid lazy attitude I really shouldn't have. I know consistency is important but I can't help but to STILL feel the holiday mood even so long after school reopening, and generally having a I don't give a shit attitude in school. The irritating thing about this is my consciousness of the adverse effects of this, and the lack of negative repercussions to give me the tight (metaphorical of course)slap I deserve for this shitty attitude. I don't know why I keep getting away with it, but most of the time I do just the requisite work while slacking off hugely and at the same time acquit myself more than appropriately when questioned by lecturers. I don't know what's up with this, but I think this is more due to luck than anything else. It's funny how everyone else except my closest friends still think I'm hardcore as hell; I'm glad the effort in forming this image at the start has paid off because I know what they expect of me and due to this, I know I can up my performance to meet their expectations when needed i.e. exams. Pygmalion effect. Although I know the people of other classes seem to be intimidated of me (for a really stupid reason too might I add, they just think I speak really quickly when asked to answer questions during lectures) and I probably appear really dao to them, but I can deal with that. The people worth knowing at a personal level won't let that stop them from interacting with me, will they? Perhaps wishful thinking on my part.

But I digress. Still though, I'm gradually increasing my own workload and eustress is kicking in, so I should be fine. My academic brinkmanship has served me well so far, but you can only take so many risks before you get punished duly for it. I'll try not make this the time.

Nonetheless, after bitching about myself for the previous two paragraphs, I must say I'm really satisfied with the quality of time I spend in school. School's always fun for me, especially with the awesome group mates and fictive kin I have in school. I regard myself as a person without much warmth, and for a period of time I really forgot how it's like to smile truly so it's really great fortune that my family in school are probably the 2 warmest people in my course and always serving as my batteries.

With them I can always bring myself to smile from the heart.

And do stupid shit without regard for my image. What image? would be what the mental representations I have of them in my head echoing out, but I know they're kidding. I think.

Of course it's not all a bed of roses and sometimes the drama mamas in school will make shit hit the fans, but it's all good thus far. Going to school is easily the best part of my day, any day. Even on weekends.

The end for now?

~Win Ee

There are a lot of friends I owe a lot to. Sometimes I wish there were clones of me so I can make time for everyone and keep up with y'all, but I really can't. For that, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for every single time I choose to give a shit ass response instead of a heartfelt one, because I'm afraid of being a burden. Not like saying this changes things, but I can live knowing that I did myself justice instead of making myself seem like an asshole every time. ~~Even if I really am.~~

2010-12-12T16:26:00.003+08:00

This blog is getting dusty again. Considering tomorrow is my physiological psychology term test, it seems like just about the worst time to update this blog but I shall do so anyway.

Studying psychology in TP is intriguing in the sense that while I do get to pursue my interest, I also have an environment to philosophise about all things human and the way of the world. Granted, I don't consider myself well-read, or even insightful; still I enjoy this a lot especially in my free time because it's just something for me to do for my mind which is in constant flux.

It seems recently, with the pandemonium that has happened within my class, I've begun to doubt the veridicality of the statement that "humans are inherently/innate good". Sorry Anne Frank, I'm just not buying that idea. Cynicism? Maybe. I thought further about it, and I came up with the conclusion that the statement is overly optimistic and is flawed.

Inherently innately. Innately inherent. What does it mean here by inherently? We are born with goodness? Does this mean that despite what all the Hitlers of the world have done, it seems insufficient to convince otherwise that they were in fact driven, not by their "innate" good but rather by the existing human capacity of evil? Obviously, that's the other extreme. I personally don't believe that all humans innately have that capacity to do evil. It is my belief that humans are not innately good; rather, what they have is a predisposition to be good. When we are born, we come into the world with a clean slate; everything that comes after that is the unfolding of our genetic blueprint, our environment (which includes our upbringing, which I will discuss later), and our experiences (sort of linked to our environment, but more situation-specific). Good is simply something humans are not born with; it is developed.

The development of good. In the course of our upbringing, it's safe to say that generally, we are brought up to be good. As we are social animals, we live by social norms, which require reciprocity and harmony as prerequisites of co-existing with each other. That means not killing each other and doing mean and stupid shit to each other. The good we are thought does not have as much to do with morality (which I have to say, is a social construct deriving from the instinct I mention subsequently), but rather, more as an instinct to survive within a society. Although not universally representing or all-encompassing good, I believe that represents much of good: not bringing harm to society. Again, it isn't as simple as upbringing; I will touch on why later.

Why people still think about innate good. At all.Upbringing will no doubt have a strong effect on disposition, but what we take for as granted as disposition isn't as stable as we think it to be; actions are more situationally-driven than we'd think they ever were. People are driven to do things by circumstance or nature, which can be judged by others to be good or bad. We have an overemphasis on a dispositional explanation, when it shouldn't be the case due to the uncertainty of situational factors which can be just as, if not more, significant as dispositional reasons. However, it is also the awareness of this that people start thinking that people can do mean things, but they are still innately good. That's just a flawed argument as well. If once bitten, you are still repeatedly bitten in the belief of innate good and therefore faith that it won't be replicated, that is just stupidity and whoever thinks that deserves to wallow in their unending disappointment and misery. Only half kidding.

So what's the compromise? Like I said above, we are predisposed to be good due to environmental forces, and in general, upbringing. The environment will also influence experience, as we are conditioned through experience, good or bad, to be good. But taking for granted the goodness of individuals is just naive and dumb. I'm not an advocate for pessimism and doubt, however, as I have a strong belief that in spite of whatever nature they may have, this predisposition will facilitate rehabilitation of the individual. I believe in this rehabilitation, and I believe that good can be fostered, however long notwithstanding.

It's safe to say that I think Anne Frank was and still is wrong. However, what I think is still congruent to what I believe is the original intent of Anne Frank's message: There is hope for goodness in people, and there is reason for such optimism.

Now that was therapeutic. Now back to revision.

~Win Ee

2010-10-02T20:46:00.002+08:00

Wiping the dust off this blog.

I could update about something happy; my results, the chalet, my new found mindset or even my recent exploits in volunteerism, but somehow all that has been overshadowed by a piece of bad news that just broke yesterday.

My godfather's dying of pancreatic cancer.

It's already of the last stage. Being a diabetic, he cannot undergo surgery to have his pancreas removed, nor is he in a state to go through chemotherapy. I've just visited him today in SGH, he lost a bit of weight but in spite of his suffering he still retains most of his lucidity. The most worrying thing is how he has lost all hope in living and the will to go on. I'm not sure what I can do for him to lift him out of his depression, or how I can be of any help to him. He's probably in the depression stage of grief experience, but I really hope he can come to terms with his current situation and find the strength to not give up.

It seems like at every new chapter of my life, I have to lose a loved one to move on. Losing my uncle-in-law during PSLE, my aunt during O levels, and now close to losing my godfather just when I feel that a chapter of my life has come to a close. Please tell me this isn't actually happening.

I don't want to lose any more loved ones.

~Win Ee

It's been awhile.

2010-06-26T20:59:00.002+08:00

Haven't been posting lately because I've been busy lately.

First week of term 2, received positive news about my results though I haven't gotten them back yet, so I'm in quite the good mood. Still, I'm in no way content. I'll do better.

The workload is starting to pile up and surviving on a day-by-day basis seems almost hard, but I'll cope. Random stupid activities I've picked up since the last time I've posted include skyping, tokboxing etc. Huge waste of time, but it's fun with friends.

Alright I'm off.

~Win Ee

A brief respite.

2010-06-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, a break. A very short break. Well okay heck, it isn't even really a break at all, just a time for us students to conveniently research and finish up on projects while teachers mark our term tests, under the pretext of a term break. Thus not very term break-ish at all.

Regardless, I'm glad for it as I can finally catch up on some much needed sleep. Toiled like a chinese in a sweatshop for the past week to prepare for exams. Blood and sweat. And snot, as I caught the flu again along the way. Thankfully it was just mild, though it did impact me cognitively as I couldn't think clearly and my mind was in a fog. Was in peak condition during the exams themselves though; crisp clarity and a sense of purpose that could've only come with preparedness. I'm very satisfied with my work, though not exactly content as there are but many more modules and 2 more years to go(al). Step by step. I'll fulfill my dream.

Along the way, I've found somewhere to nest. Somewhere that feels right. And I'm glad for it, as I know the 2 years ahead will be a pleasant one.

~Win Ee.

2010-05-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

Enneagram Type 7:
Epicure, Entertainer, Optimist, Adventurer or Rationalizer
Overview
You want to be fascinating, fascinated, optimistic and enthusiastic. More importantly, you want to be stimulated, creative, positive and excited. You see yourself as visionary, diverse and playful. You would like others to see you as interesting, sophisticated and fun loving. Your idealized image is that you are happy and joyful.
Outgoing and spontaneous, you love anything that is new, novel or unusual. A charmed charmer, you are fascinated by people, places and ideas. Upbeat, positive and optimistic, you naturally cheer up and inspire others. Quick to laugh and make a joke, you easily entertain people. You are also easily entertained. An idealist and visionary, you strive to create a paradise on earth by sharing your vision of love, equality and freedom. A ‘jack of all trades’, you often have diverse skills and interests. You are innovative, multi-talented, creative and at home in the world of things and experiences.
Like the hummingbird that moves in a frenzied blur from flower to flower, you seek the sweet nectar of excitement, new experiences, people and travel. If life gets you down, you escape your anxiety and boredom through variety and activity. Uneasiness is kept at bay by keeping busy with interesting and diverse experiences. Seeking a positive future with unlimited possibilities, you believe that the sky is the limit. You enjoy new ideas and live in the world of your imagination where you can manifest your dreams. You have a talent for squeezing the boredom and monotony out of routine tasks, turning the mundane into the magical.
A creative spirit, you need to be free to follow your heart. Eternally young, you have the light-heartedness of a precocious child or court jester. For you, love is about giving and getting your way – if you are loved, you will be indulged. Even if you are shy, you wish to be seen as a cool, hip, trendsetter. At times, you may act superior to others – even though you may secretly fear that you are inferior to them. An equalitarian, you enjoy people from all walks of life. Rather than buck authority, you find the way around it. Using your quick wit, bright eyes and ready smile, you have a knack for avoiding and diffusing conflict.
Need
You need self-confidence, options, patience and to be noticed by others. Also, you need to be positive and optimistic. Because you are always on the lookout for the BBD (bigger, better, deal), you need plans that are flexible and fluid. If you have open-ended plans, you can go with the flow. Flexibility gives you the option to change your mind at the last minute.
Avoid
You avoid boredom, sadness and emotional pain. You fear limitation, feeling trapped or appearing inferior. Feeling incomplete or confined, or missing out are among your deepest fears. You avoid painful emotions because you are afraid that you will become overwhelmed if you talk about or feel them. You also avoid negative people as they can bring you down. This can lead you to avoid the present by living in a future fantasy of plans.
Virtue
Your greatest strengths are your visionary abilities, to think or do things in new ways and to manifest joyful abundance. You are loving, creative and generous. Like a colorful hot air balloon that takes people above life’s troubles, you are an angel of mercy who deals out random acts of kindness to those in need. You can’t bear to see people sad or suffering, and you take it as your personal responsibility to ensure that others experience happiness, joy and fun in their lives. Because you are innovative, you can easily turn lemons into lemonade and a lemonade stand into a successful business.
Vice
Your vices are gluttony, overdoing and seeking stimulation until you collapse or become ill. In order for you to experience joy and fulfillment, it is critical that you follow through on your ideas by realizing them. If your dreams remain unmet, you can become jaded, selfish and/or greedy. As you become increasingly self-indulgent and lose your sense of commitment and follow through, you can become flaky, letting commitments slide and people down. You can also be dogmatic and overly critical of others. If you have clamped down on your excessive ways, you may judge those who are mirrors of your indulgent past.
Attention
Your attention goes to a positive future, planning, your imagination and multiple options. You can become paralyzed by options because you are afraid of missing out. You may feel like a child running down the aisles of a toy store who is fearful of choosing one toy and missing out on the rest.
Spiritual Path
Your spiritual journey is to search for right work and focused concentration. Spiritual growth will come to you when you approach life with disciplined sobriety instead of getting high on new ideas, options and plans. Like a stone skipping across a lake that sinks deeply when it comes to rest, you will do well to slow down, experience your inner depths, and focus on completion.
Mantra
Freedom will exist when you accept the limitations of the present moment. Remember that envisioning something is not the same as manifesting it. True freedom comes with commitment and hard work – not from having unlimited options.
Wing
If you are the Enneagram Type 7 with the 6 Wing, you desire to be eye-catching. You see yourself as exciting, relaxed, creative, curious, bright, alive and witty.
If you are the Enneagram Type 7 with the 8 Wing, you desire to be a free spirit. You see yourself as free, passionate, loving, adventurous, strong and creative.

7w6.

~Win Ee

2010-05-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

What happens when you have retarded friends.

PS I did get slapped.

I love my class (even if they cyber bully me on fb lololololol). I'm the one at the back with the halo by the way.

And of course, still love you all '06.

All is well. Rose-tinted glasses are redundant inside a rose canopy.
~Win Ee

2010-04-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

Hello bloggg.

Flu is doing terrible things to me. Just about an hour ago I nearly fainted on the stairs and had a bad knock on my pelvis which is still aching like hell. I guess a consolation would be the fact that a new WGM episode aired today and Arsenal will be playing later! ^_____^

And oh, I joined like 10 CCAs in school. So badass. Except not really, I just signed up just so I could make my picks later, filtering some of those I have no interest in out. I'm most definitely Community Service Club and Photog though, the former because it gives me a chance to give back and put my studies into practice, and the latter because I've NEVER been a photos person, but I realise that I need to be one because a photo speaks a thousand words, right? But yeah anyway, just want to develop(lolpun) an interest in it.

That's all. Good night blog.

~Win Ee

First week's over!

2010-04-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

Hello blogggg.

Finally, first week of school is over. To use "finally" is rather misleading because time seemed to have passed me by in the bat of an eyelid. I'm actually even a little sad that the first week is already over. I'm having a LOT of fun in class; participating in lessons is a very enjoyable experience.

Just had my first ever F Psych lecture today. My lecturer is SUPER cool. Her lecture style is full of vigour and intensity, with occasional pauses in between to check with us whether we're keeping up. We actually finish BEFORE time. Very interesting content we're learning, our current module is on our brain structure and the nervous system, how our neurons work etc. It's my first time learning biology, so I was kind of surprised by how I could keep up, especially since I was without lecture notes (bleh, my own fault, negligent). All credit should go to my lecturer though, she's awesome. And oh, she's my tutor too! HURRAH! I'm really loving the lessons.

I've also been taking CSA, a.k.a IT. Having taken it back in MDIS *REALLY* helps, I suppose. I'm ready for it, pretty much.

Alright just a minor update, I'm ill and grumpy. Off for more rest.

~Win Ee

2010-04-21T11:29:00.000+08:00

Dying from flu.

Thank god there are no lessons today.

~Win Ee

What can I do, she just screams of deja vu.

2010-04-19T23:39:00.001+08:00

Hello again blogggg.

Another update, less than a day apart! Such a miracle huh. Well, I used to blog this often so I suppose I'm getting back into the feel for writing. Today, I had just about the most perfect day ever.

Morning didn't start off that great, I don't know why but I made my mom pissed at me because apparently I was being inconsiderate for sleeping in/ ate(?) even when I went to sleep at 11 the previous day and woke up without further notice. It dumbfounded me but I decided that being the first day of school and a fresh start, I shouldn't let it get in the way of my groove and I just listened patiently. I overdressed a little because I wasn't sure what to wear, but I suppose I'm fairly comfortable with it.

First lesson was APEL, apparently it's just civics class with a makeover and a fancy new name. We played a few games, such as this cool word game/puzzle. Basically the principle behind it is to look at a given image/seemingly nonsensical word at another perspective e.g. like HOROBOD is RobIn Hood a.k.a Robin Hood. It was fun! Was in a group with 3 other guys - Kaye, Jun Xuan (sp?), Kai Xiang. Okay we didn't talk much nonetheless I enjoyed doing the puzzle together.

Yeah after lesson we went to get textbooks and other assorted materials as a class! So bonded right. And we went to have lunch together at Tampines Mall. Along the way I made new friends in the form of ShiQin, Eunice, Joey, Yanning, Quin, Natalya. Holy shit all zabors. (There's also Barak, Huisi and Sean whom I've known before, ofc) I felt comfortable talking to them and everything though, we hit it right off and I was comfortable showing the best and worst sides of me. Like we all knew each other for years upon years. It's... rare? Contrasting it to the rest of the guys I feel more awkward, strangely. Anyway, it's good. My class is awesome. Girls who listen to kpop and watch WGM, and even play LAN. Seriously. How do you top that. So anyway we ate and shopped for a little bit with a lot of chatting in between. Oh yeah - almost forgot an incident that made me feel damn malu. I was on the bus talking to the rest as per norm, holding on to the handles adjacent to the corridor. Suddenly the bus braked and an old auntie practically hugged me for support, the point of contact being my waist. I was so surprised I gave out a fairly high pitched squeak and everyone was like, "OMFGROFL did you just make that sound LOLOLOL". GG image. 3 years to go. Down the drain on the first day. But oh well, getting the embarrassing stuff out of the way first was a good start I suppose.

Then we got back to school and we had our first fundamentals of psychology class! Wah stress ah. Not really. It was all introductions and briefings, as well as expectations etc. We watched this really, really inspiring video titled "The Last Lecture". It's only a few minutes long, but I found the full version on youtube?

It's freaking amazing and gave me the chills. Please do watch! Kinda reminds me of the poem that could be read backwards. Some amazing stuff. Anyway I was really glad to have such nice tutors, even if these were mere first impressions. Then after school I explored the school along with ShiQin (lol potential best friend) and Eunice. We ended up being lost a lot but got our matriculation card in the end anyway.

Then I waited in school for Yol and SH to share with them my euphoria at having such a perfect day. Okay I'm going to stop here because I'm tired and if I were to share what I shared with them, game over my life.

Let's keep it this way.

~Win Ee.

PS: Dear omnipresent one, if you really do exist, this is my gratitude in full with extra love. I can only hope this is not just a false dawn! Because this would be pretty great.

NINJA EDIT: Oh god reading through, I feel like an idiot. So high, so incoherent, so much engrish due to keeping true to what I really felt. Reader discretion, don't puke at your monitor, I hold no responsibilities for your nausea.

2010-04-18T14:05:00.003+08:00

Helloooooooo bloggg. Much apologies for ditching you and fooling around for the past two weeks. I'll make it up to you!

Okay so I reneged on my promise to blog about Beijing, but hey it wasn't that particularly memorable aside from the cable car near-death experience (lolol okay okay I lied, it was fun). To be frank, it wasn't that much of an NDE anyway, the door just refused to seal up properly and my mom and I had to tilt to one side, making the cable car perilously off balance. I sound brave and blase here but I almost crapped my pants back then because there were only two of us in the cable car. Alright, now that's settled - what I've been doing for the past two weeks - watching WGM, going out with LSG, and TP/HSS ORIENTATION! WOOHOO. Yes, in that order.

WGM - short for "We Got Married" . It's a show currently still airing in Korea on MBC. I'm quite the sucker for all things korean recently, but this is well the best of the bunch that I'm hooked to. Specifically, the Adam couple.

They. Are. Seriously. Freaking. Awesome.

Basically it's a reality show whereby celebrities are invited to become virtual couples and they have to go through the rigours and experiences of being one for a length of time. There are two couples currently on air, namely the Adam couple, Jo Kwon from 2AM and Ga-In from Brown Eyed Girls, and there's also the sweet potato couple, YongHwa from C.N. Blue and SeoHyun from SNSD. I started out watching the latter because I was a soshi fan but I got hooked on the Adam couple after running out of episodes to watch. How do I put this - they're a really cute couple, and though supposedly it's such play-acting, but as a viewer, the chemistry between them and the little, subtle nuances that can be nothing but real kept me going back for more. Saccharine sweet. Oh what, I sound like a fanboy. Verily. Oh well, because I am. I'm not alone in this though, the community at soompi is crazy about them too. Sadly this show hasn't been airing for the past 3 weeks or show due to some unfortunate circumstances happening in Korea. Again... thanks to SH for getting me started out on watching this series! LOL.

LSG outings. Mostly epic fail outings that ended up with just Yol, QY and I as well as the intermittent appearances of YL, but we had fun anyway. Maybe a little presumptuous to use we, but I had fun at least. Mostly we went to L4d as usual, but we did have outings that are out of the norm such as going to visit YL at SP when he was at work and annoying him, not to mention the failed science center + snow city outing. The latter of which has to be highlighted because of the magnitude of fail. 9.0 on the scale. The gist is, we went there on a monday, and one of our genius organisers TQY did not inform us that it was closed on Mondays except for school holidays and public holidays. Apparently, we found out that poly holidays do not constitute as school holidays. And we found that out when we were already at the entrance. F Our Lives. But thankfully upon seeing our blatant disappointment and dismay, a kind member of the staff offered to let us have a free tour of a small section of the place. SO LUCKY, RIGHT!? Then we had lunch at the Jack's place at a nearby SAFRA and off to katong L4D again. 3 person outings are kind of fun in their own way though, I talk a lot more because otherwise I'd usually be passively listening. Still, I miss the times whereby we'd have 10+ people out cycling, going to LAN together, watching movies as a group and showing off the long chain of tickets and heck, even gossiping together, admittedly (as much as I openly show my dismay). I don't know if those days have gone us by, but I for one, want to cling on to them as much as I can. I don't think we've changed individually; the circumstances have caused this. Can we just ignore the inevitable wave of change upon us just a little longer? Just want to enjoy my times with you guys a little bit longer...

OK FML EMO. Mood rewind...

Alright orientation - I had a lot of fun, but if only I wasn't ill for the last two days. Where do I start - within HSS there were 5 empires, gangsta, sampah, odin, spandex (this made me LOL) and guido. I belonged to the lattermost and arguably the pimpest and best one. No bias, we won the best empire award.

The first day we had our icebreakers and learned our mass dance. Mass dance was fun, I had a fab partner who guided me along (I had another partner later in the day though, got flung about 5 meters and got a bruising). Sadly I fell sick and I didn't have the best of days for the next two days as a result. Had water games on the second day in spite of the flu, even though my enthusiasm was muted somewhat, I still enjoyed my time a lot. We then had talentime at night and a sort of initiation ceremony for our time in HSS. Damn cool. We all brought our torchlights and placed them on stage to form HSS. Coolio. Also, not forgetting - I joined the HSS dragon boat team for the final day's regatta! YES, ME. I JOINED. I surprised myself, even. So unfit, so geh kiang. LOL. Final day Regatta was KILLER. I screamed my lungs out, every cell in my body wanted to die, but I gave every ounce of my strength. Suumpah. HSS is super tiny compared to the other schools so we get thrashed and manhandled a lot, but as one of our lecturers would've said, "We may be small, but we're mighty!". So pimp, yo. Anyway, I staked my own body on the line and paddled my ass off during boating. We got last still, but I have no regrets having given my best. The HSS girls' team got second though, so malu. In the end though, we didn't win anything as HSS even with that much effort. Business swept again, for like what, the fifth consecutive year. Biased judges facilitating the monopoly. But anyway, I got to know my class, 1A02 as long as our chio caretaker Ms.Dian! I like my class, even though I haven't really got to know them yet. A lot of interesting personalities. You know your class is special when just after our first meeting we've decided upon Obama and Queen to be our class chairpersons. Like, seriously. That's just made of win. Obama is Barak (LOL) in real life, and Queen would be Quintessence (whoa, deep and cool name). They're really cool people, I must say. I was kind of reserved though, being sick and shy and all. Still...if this is the class I'll have for the next three years, I'll be a happy man. Also, there were two cchms people in my class! :D So lucky. ShiQin and Huisi. With the latter there are more coincidences though, as she went to AJ(!!!) before enrolling to TP. And all three of us are from different batches. WTF so cool? Maybe this is what they call yuan2 fen4.

Yes, I'm all hyped up about school. What to wear, where are the class rooms, how're the lessons going to be, what I'll be learning... It'll be an exciting journey/adventure. How life is supposed to be.

And yesterday, I disappointed QY when I told her I was too shagged from orientation to go out. I'm sorry k! I really was shagged, heck I still am. Still flu too. But yeah, played omgpop drawmything with qy, meng and hy (LOL ugly mermaid) as well as meng's mom (LOL so cool right). We played for 6(!) hours. Super fun, sucks to draw with the touchpad though. I'm pretty good at it though, in spite of the handicap. No wonder yol kept pestering us to play. So good.

Been listening to a lot of KPOP recently. Because english pop has been entirely underwhelming and disappointing. I mean - Justin Bieber. SERIOUSLY? Singing about love and break-ups at 15 when puberty hasn't even hit yet. I'm not hatin' (as fans may put it), but I just can't connect to the music because I perceive it to be so superficial and the emotions infused to be disingenuous. That said, I don't understand korean so kpop may be the same case as well, but at least the tunes and vocals are good. I promise to buy kpop albums when I can find them! Not having paypal/credit card means I can't buy online off Yes!Asia, which sucks.

Okay I'm done. Off to take medicine and recuperate.

~Win Ee.

PS - There's going to be plenty of scars on my right leg.

PPS - It's now common knowledge that I'm into noonas. D'oh.

PPPS - SHOUTOUT TO ELDEST SIS WHO IS STUCK IN PARIS DUE TO THE VOLCANIC ASH CLOUD EMITTED FROM ESHASFJKSAIPKNANOS VOLCANO IN ICELAND. Gosh seriously, scandinavian names. I give up.

2010-04-05T11:13:00.002+08:00

So you thought you were a huge Soshi fan?

Think again.

Pinnacle of fanboyism.

I'd pay for a tour.

~Win Ee

(lolol lazy to update. Will get beijing update up by end of this week. Maybe.)

2010-03-26T12:26:00.002+08:00

Back.

7 days without internet access. 7 days cut-off from the rest of civilisation. And oh, I'm such an idiot to only realise that my phone had no roaming only when I was already in Beijing. Beijing was... pretty fun. Went to lots of places to sightsee and I even had a near death experience. More on that later.

T
I
R
E
D

~Win Ee

2010-03-18T21:28:00.002+08:00

Before I go to Beijing :

Womanizer, acoustic. IU made a thrashy song sound good. Sigh. Smitten. And of course, SNSD dance makes this even better. No typical kpop engrish too. DOUBLE SIGH.

Okay bye.

~Win Ee

2010-03-17T22:40:00.003+08:00

Yoohoo, blog. I'm going to Beijing tomorrow, well technically its Friday but at 4-5am (I think) so it may well have been Thursday. I'm still feeling rather blase about it though, even if thinking about the subzero temperatures does leave me a bit apprehensive. I cannot stand cold weather. Surprising given the amount of natural insulation my body has, eh? (shut up I'm lazy to exercise)

So if anyone wants any souvs etc. y'all can just drop me an sms. Not going to post this on facebook though; lest I get bombarded with requests. My blog's obscurity should prevent that.

Yeah anyway, I got my dad to buy me Pokemon Heart Gold today. YES, POKEMON. Well, it's a remake of the GSC series, the best ever, so I just had to get it. Oh the nostalgia. Anyway I started with the worst starter, Chikorita, just for kicks. Pogeymanz never gets old.

Not much else I suppose. To Beijing!

~Win Ee

2010-03-15T14:36:00.000+08:00

This is amazing.

lolololol

~Win Ee

2010-03-10T21:02:00.002+08:00

Finally a blog update, I suppose. Somehow, I've unintentionally weaned myself of the habit of blogging lately. It's bad enough that I have a bad memory; not documenting significant happenings in my life is just... meh. Also, given that this blog also serves as an outlet to practise my english as I speak mandarin exclusively at home, my proficiency seems to have declined as a result as well.

Well, I'd have to blame it on the hobbies I've developed over the past few months : Watching competitive starcraft (its not as stupid as it sounds, being practically a national sport in Korea or the national e-sport if you will, and deeply entrenched in their culture), kpop, korean music shows (4 times a week) et cetera that eat up a LOT of my time. Also, it has given mom a new reason to nag at me for sitting for so long in front of the computer. Well, I suppose that is verily deserved as I'm leading a lifestyle as sedentary as my grandma's. Probably worse, in fact. At least my grandma goes out for walks (lolol).

But I digress. Significant stuff: 18th birthday, leaving for beijing next week, Poly enrollment.

Yeah, so it happened that my 18th birthday was yesterday. Spent it with my family in a fashion that can best be described as blase, mainly because I rejected the proposition of a proper celebration (i.e. cake etc.) as I felt it was unnecessary. Somehow, the commemoration of a birthday just isn't that meaningful to me anymore. Pertinently, it's with whom I've spent the birthday with rather than the fashion in which I've spent it that is important to me. I am hence thankful that I was able to spend it with my family on this special day; and able to have the luxury of having my best friends celebrating it with me 2 days prior. About the latter, it was a typical LSG outing playing L4D2 but after which became atypical and pleasantly surprising as they rendered me speechless with the cake they prepared for me at skygarden :D They spent an hour decorating the cake before I came; with qy drawing my face with the standard explosions in place of hair which made me want to LOL. Thanks QY, Yol, YL, Whit and HL! Y'all are the best. Sumpah. :B

Leaving for Beijing next week, with my mom and my eldest sister. My mom and I are basically tagging along to see my sister's work environment as she'll be stationed there for the next two years. That sucks, by the way. It'll mean our family will hardly be together especially if my other sister gets married(which she hopes to be soon lolol), and basically the home will be empty when I leave for the army and the subsequent studies abroad. Well, not something to delve deeply into as of yet, just hope it isn't too cold in beijing. After all, its but natural to worry more about something that's closer on the horizon isn't it? Eager for the trip.

Enrolled into TP recently, also successfully deferring enlistment to the army. Yeah, everything's going as planned, and smoothly too. Perhaps this is the beginning of the upturn in my fortunes. On topic about fortunes, I've noticed that the old adage that goes, "Life has it's ups and downs" to be especially apt. My life's fortunes practically follows the trend of a sine wave. Whenever I thought about a period that was extremely favourable to me and promised a whole lot, I fall and dreams evaporate into wisps. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with luck - luck is man-made -, it has to do more with the trappings of success I feel. Success weakens our resolve, diminishes our motivation, erodes our will, generates humus, encourages commitment to impulse, camouflages delusions for what they are... et cetera. It's just bad. I've made obvious bad decisions indirectly because of it, and it's made me more deliberating, more cautious; making the road I tread seem to be a film of thin ice. Right now, I'm on course to correct the deviations with respect to the path I want to walk, but the detour has lost me precious time - time I will never get back. But now I'm sure I'm staying true to my purpose, I can walk at ease I suppose. I'll work hard to get where I want to be, I promise. It's a birthday wish. Well, not exactly a wish. More like a promise.

I don't know how I got to writing that, just freely typing what comes to my mind. Currently listening to the following artistes: IU (OMG I'M A HUGE FAN), T-ara, Kara, SNSD and Younha. Estrogen much? Just like their music. The male artistes are disappointing enough, 2pm fail, ss501 meh, suju meh, ze:a lolol (MAZELTOV!) etc.

Not much of an update, but it'll do.

~Win Ee

2010-02-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

Libre!

Yes, I'm finally done with being a recluse. Being free after 8 months of acting like a hermit is strangely... awkward. Being out of touch with friends suck as well, might I add. So basically I have about 2 months off before poly starts, and I'm currently in the midsts of enrollment still(I swear, it will be a fail of epic proportions if deferment fails and by some amazing misfortune I am enlisted and I get another 2 years of being a recluse).

Needs to go out moar.

~Win Ee

2010-02-20T20:00:00.000+08:00

Love this song. Old, I know.

~Win Ee

2010-02-14T22:08:00.004+08:00

Fellow singletons, print this out and hand 'em out. (Image credits - RL classmate posted this on fb ^^) For the inner perverts in everyone? Well, I almost feel like tainting my blog posting this but it's too epic.

Well, such luck that St. Val's had to coincide with the Lunar New Year, eh? Not that it's much of a difference to me, but it must be of much inconvenience to couples I presume.

And of course the only things good about this CNY period is:

Booze. Lots of it.

Red packets. Lots of it.

Lack of sleep. Lots of it.

Random shouting. Even at night. Lots of it.

Snacks and bingeing with reckless abandon. Lots of it.

Unwarranted craziness. LOTS OF IT.

It's much of a pity but I have exams in a week. Finals, might I add. The presupposition that it should be something to fret over and work hard like a madman for would be much misplaced however; I only have a solitary module to study for being IT, as I scored full marks for the Mid-term stats test, which is a free 20% and another 9-10% for attendance I suppose, because I'm awesome. Okay kidding much, but yeah only need to study for IT, and perhaps a bit of practice for stats.

Not doing anything much as of recent, slacking about while doing the CNY customary visitations. I'm bored as hell, always watching TV and daydreaming while my parents chat. I can't help but wish that there is more of a substantive bond with regard to the relationship I have between some of my relatives, but I guess it can't be helped with how distant we are as we meet only once in a blue moon. I should probably do my part and bring up the mood but I'm always held back by my own inhibitions. Sucks.

Watching SNSD's Hello Baby. And perhaps reading and listening to music to pass the time. I'm too much of a boor.

~Win Ee

2010-02-11T14:46:00.004+08:00

$__$

2010-01-30T22:27:00.005+08:00

Major outlay this month. Boys Like Girls tickets, books that I've bought but as of yet have not started reading but rather are collecting dust, albums, more albums and some random indulgences.

BLG concert was sort of a letdown it has to be said; the vocals were barely up to par and the instances wherein the vocals were off-key were VERY obvious. The atmosphere was a little meh as well. Overall still okay but probably not worth the $101. Though admittedly I'm not as disappointed as I could be but that's not to the credit of the concert per se, but rather because:

WOOHOO, CONCERT GANG YEAH?

Missing : LWC. WHERE THE FLYING WERE YOU? What kind of bullshit is "too close to the common test, banned" :(((

(That said, wish you were with us. And I've missed all of you ^^;)

The few days leading up to this post were spent mostly at home recuperating though. Damaged my hearing during the concert, left my eardrums rattled and gave me a tinnitus scare. Luckily enough the symptoms are slowly subsiding but still...

CURSE THAT GAGGLE OF BIMBO ANGMOHS BEHIND US DURING THE CONCERT.

They found it appropriate to shriek with every twitch of their idols' and had seemingly endless stamina to do so. Earshot, especially when the crowd was huddled together. Hope they get a sore throat. I'm mean. Yes I hate typical fangirl-ism.

Still it wasn't THAT bad considering what else I had to put up with during the concert, tasting salty hair, being crushed and whatnot...

Next concert: Paramore? I'm having doubts about going because shawn says nogtfocommontest. I need at least a partner to go right? Well there's still plenty of time to find someone to go along with so it's probably on hold for now.

As for school...nothing much I guess. Left with stats and IT. I'm a bit clueless as to IT but I've invested some money into getting a good up-to-date textbook from funan so I should be fine and I'm steamrolling stats so the prospects look good. As for results, all As for the past 6 mods so I'm on course to finishing the dip perfectly.

And I was posted to T48, psychology studies. I was wary of being excited and feeling expectant though. After all I've learned that things don't always go your way nor are they set in stone. And I've yet to defer my enlistment. And everything can change by the time April comes. Not pessimism though. Just tired and hurt. I'm sure I'll be more excited circa April though, despite myself.

It still hurts me how a year back, I thought I was going to my dream school.

Alright, being bitten has left me a very sore person but it shouldn't get me down. I'm on course to living my dream, following my calling, and finally being close to my raison d'etre/ikigai. It will mean so much to me. That's written in future tense because until then, I'll still be hollow, still be feeling empty everyday. I'll survive though.

SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND NOW - BOYS LIKE GIRLS

We were seventeen and invincible
Had the world figured out
And the girl on my shoulder told me,
"Everything's gon' be alright (woah-oh)
And everything was gonna be alright (woah-oh)"

Yea maybe we were in high school
But you never see the ending
When you're young and love pretending singin',
"Everything's gon' be alright (woah-oh)
And everything was gonna be alright"

Buried her deepest side
Stars don't clear my eyes

Now she's got a boyfriend
And I've got a rock band
There's nothing really happy
'Cause the way you spent
Yea she's in Ohio
And I'm on tobacco
Coming to this city and then who knows
'Cause that's all she wrote
I wish that I could turn this car around
But she's got a boyfriend now

And I took a trip out to L.A.
For the girl with a smile
That could take your breathe away I'm thinkin',
"Everything's gon' be alright (woah-oh)
And everything was gonna be alright (woah-oh)"

Maybe I thought I could sweep it
And sweep her off her feet
And go right back to Boston thinkin',
"Everything's gon' be alright (woah-oh)
And everything was gonna be alright"

The streets keep holding on
But now she's so far gone

Now she's got a boyfriend
And I've got a rock band
There's nothing really happy
'Cause the way you spent
Yea she's on the west coast
And I'm on tobacco
Coming to this city and then who knows
'Cause that's all she wrote
I wish that I could turn this car around
But she's got a boyfriend now

Take it back to you
So now that everything i dont know is so hard
It tore us apart,
Take me back to feeling that the world would
just be dealing me the right cards
And now your just so far

Twenty-three and invincible
Got the world figured out
And the bird on my shoulder told me,
"Everything's gon' be alright (woah-oh)
and that means everything gon' be alright"

Now she's got a boyfriend
and I've got a rock band
There's nothing really happy
'Cause the way you spent
Yea she's in Ohio
And I'm on tobacco
Coming to this city and then who knows
'Cause that's all she wrote
I wish that I could turn this car around
'Cause there she goes
I wish that I could press rewind somehow
But she's got a boyfriend now

'Cause she's got a boyfriend now

~Win Ee

PS: People tell me BLG are so plastic. I'll tell them they've never been adolescents and skipped puberty.

A shaving accident...? lololol

2010-01-26T22:34:00.003+08:00

You know, your first shave with your dad's shaver should be a moment to savour; especially considering that it could well be treated as a milestone to mark the completed transition from an angst-filled adolescent phase to a fully-fledged alpha male. No smirking, it's not too far fetched.

However, something went wrong.

SO, yesterday evening I was commenting to my mom that one side of the bristles on the right of my philtrum were slightly thicker and longer as compared to the left and that the asymmetry was sickening. Naturally she suggested me to shave it and I did. Or I tried to, anyway. To cut a long story short, I lawnmowed my face. The skin above my upper lip was red, raw and sore as hell, and it was even MORE asymmetrical than before as only one side was without bristles. I left the other side unshaved as I was afraid of another mishap. I mean, something has to Be horribly wrong when even the usual caressing wind/water seem to assault your nerves on that particular patch of skin.

Clearly, I'm so bored I decided to blog about this only today right? WRONG. Today, my dad was shaving in the living room and he was telling me on how shave (lolpun, it's safe) the shaver was and I was doing it wrong. He got me to try again and what do you know, NOW I HAVE 2 RED PATCHES OF SKIN ABOVE MY LABIA INSTEAD OF ONE!

How awesome is that, right?

FML.

~Win Ee

PS: BOYS LIKE GIRLS CONCERT IN 2 DAYS OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

2010-01-12T21:50:00.004+08:00

A what-is-this-I-don't-even rant: I know my out-of-character displays over the past 8 months or so have not been any endearing, but it's not like I can help it; I definitely wish I weren't behaving this way, I want my spontaneity and propensity for optimism back. The past ordeals have definitely made me a more deliberating person, and one filled with doubt. My floccinaucinihilipilification of myself also didn't help. Honestly I don't know what kept me going for this long, but whatever it is is already almost completely drained. I don't know if a promise that I'd be back to my best is going to be worth anything to you; the look on your face was vindictive and exasperated. It's like I'm not even worthy to be a disappointment and you're just disenchanted. But I'm not going to make any explanations. And really, don't ask if you didn't even want to know in the first place. It's just excess emotional baggage to you and really, I don't see any point. I'd rather you avoid me from now on. As if you haven't been doing that already.

2010-01-02T16:31:00.002+08:00

Bedridden on the start of the new year. Ominous? Perhaps so. I'm still having a bad, agonising fever that just wouldn't subside. I guess staying up 24 hours at a stretch was too much.

Anyway, cheers to 2010.

~Win Ee

2009-12-28T20:42:00.003+08:00

After 3 agonizing hours, 16 messy pages of pure toil and sweat and 36 case laws later...

Win Ee has pwned the head of the law exam for 250gold.

Ah, the fruits of labour. So sweet, so juicy, so sumptuous...and so addicting. With this, what's the worth of the forbidden fruit?

So yeah, obviously my euphoria of completing the exam perfectly has not subsided, with the fuzzy feeling still enveloping me and happy happy endorphins still coursing through my veins. With the law exam done and dusted, a big load has been removed on my shoulders...and off my heart. With this, I can say that I did not let my lecturer down, she had huge expectations of me and well, with the paper it should be enough. More than enough, in fact.

To be accurate, let's just say if I didn't get an A for that effort, it would be an injustice chronicled unto history. Biblically even, perhaps. And it would still be an understatement. Conceited? Probably. Deserved? Mhm.... food for thought. To be honest though, no; but hey I'm still entitled to feeling good and probably bragging about it where no one treads.

This has been one of the best 24 hours of my life thus far. Yesterday night I watched the Arsenal v Villa match, which we won, after a FAB-ulous performance. GREAT! Then the Lakers won a match in double overtime, a match they seemed destined to lose...scored to level with 0.4 secs remaining. AWESOME!! Then came the law exam. I think I'm done dispensing with the superlatives.

Alright, I'm tired...Off to take a break perhaps? I need it.

~Win Ee

2009-12-26T22:26:00.002+08:00

My attempts to shun and shy away from you notwithstanding, you still managed to make me feel loved. Thank you for everything.

I can't make up my mind: Am I into older women or more matured women? It has to be one of the two.

Anyway, this christmas was fail until I received a handmade card. It was awesome :)

~Win Ee

splurrrrrrrrrrrge

2009-12-24T22:56:00.002+08:00

Spent a lot during the past week. Cabs, going out, meals, new Samsung Touch S8300 (samsung fanboy when it comes to phones - now stop asking me why I didn't get an iPhone, it's stupid when you already got an iTouch), 9 CDs today. Yeah, 9 cds. Cost me about 140bucks from my wallet. I was accompanying my family on a trip to chinatown; we found this awesome CD shop in the marketplace that sells original albums at a price that puts CD Rama / Sembawang's "ON SALE!" periodic clear-outs to shame. Yeah, I went berserk and into my album-hunting mode and proceeded to get those CDs, including Kris Allen's and Glambert's. Didn't get the OneRepublic nor Shakira album though, a shame. I've been busy so I didn't find time to go out and acquire albums, but my lust for them have not dulled nor mellowed, it seems.

Want to get the Paramore concert tickets. Too busy to do so. Accompany me once my exams are over?

~Win Ee

2009-12-23T09:36:00.002+08:00

Never let yourself use the cliched "nobody's perfect" excuse to stop trying to outdo yourself.

2009-12-22T12:03:00.002+08:00

I just made a plan on what I want to do during the ~10 day break I have after exams. I'm going to do research on construction of arguments, development of premises and implication of details, not forgetting to mention, fallacies. I've been perusing the Infidels/SecularWeb library and it's been great so far, a lot of interesting subjects and scholarly articles. An interesting quote:

Life is short. Nevertheless, billions of people invest incalculable hours making fruitless pleas to nonexistent gods, participating in lavish rituals with no tangible effects, and whittling away tight budgets to support extravagant religious institutions or "spiritual advisors." Worse still, antiquated religious ideas lead people to impose needless hardships on themselves and others, to rationalize discrimination and other forms of mistreatment, and to hasten environmental destruction because they believe that "the end of the world" is imminent anyway. And for every outward manifestation of wasteful, counterproductive, and even downright harmful activity motivated only by religious belief, there are countless instances that are not nearly so obvious.

Religious belief has exacted a toll on people's emotional well-being as well. Just how much energy has been drained searching for meaning where none is to be found, or been squandered on false hopes and unwarranted fears? How many believers have agonized over the uncertain destination of their loved ones after death? How many have struggled to discern exactly what they did to displease God after falling victim to a natural disaster? How many have been tormented trying to make sense of why God allows terrible things to happen to good people? In the absence of any clear revelation about what God wants us to do, how many have fretted about whether their own actions or beliefs, or those of the people dearest to them, are enough to avoid hellfire?

How many of those who have lost their faith in old age have looked back at all the missed opportunities, the roads not taken, the life that could have been, had they not been born in a religious household, or had they abandoned religion in their younger days! Imagine how deep the regrets must be for the former missionary, seminary student, or long-time minister after realizing that this life is probably the only life that one will ever have.

I concur. Having experienced first-hand during the past year, religion really does cloud. I'm really glad I got out of it, even though it was indeed a mistake in trying to find sanctuary in religion and trying out of curiousity; although I have never been truly confiding nor having faith in the so-called God because my rational thinking disagrees with it. I'm not ruling out His existence yet though, because I subscribe to free-thinking, and it would be contradicting to be open-minded while ruling out a possibility.

Now, I don't dwell much on metaphysical stuff much nowadays having wasted much of my time doing that earlier this year and the tail-end of last year, thinking about existence and meaning of life inconclusively and experiencing frustration, so perhaps the freethought and naturalism articles would not be perused as much, but the e-library is still a good resource.

Off to revise and meet 06 for buffet later.

~Win Ee

2009-12-21T23:11:00.002+08:00

Incredible day. Had heartscan in the morning, everything fine. A load off my weary and weathered shoulders.

Went for KTV and chitchat/reminiscing with CDC mates(best!) Then. I. Had. The most epic cab ride. Ever.

Some asshole tried to jack a cab I hailed, and I hijacked it right back (NOBODY JACKS BY CABS, MOFO _|_). SERVED BY THE MOST EPIC CAB DRIVER EVER, sped all the way through, laconic and focused solely on driving, swearing @ other vehicles deemed driving too slowly and ever so slightly cutting into lane, and giving them the finger as he overtook. Ignored the existence of humps altogether and flew over them (no kidding,literally), DRIFTED OVER A KERB(yes with the 1970s toyota crown cab with manual trans, like wtf surreal, IRL daytona), used his horn prolifically and expressively(!). For that joyride that was themepark-worthy, I gave him a tenner and told him to keep the change. Epic.

Posting laconically because the net's going off any moment.

~Win Ee

busy busy

2009-12-15T23:36:00.003+08:00

Y'know, I could easily bemoan the lack of a break during this holiday season. As it is, my exams are confirmed to be on the 28th and the 30th. No christmas, and a half-hearted new year celebration. But I'm not going to pretend I ever really enjoyed christmas and new year in the first place. Neither have I ever believed in the existence of the man who works only once a year, encompassing the globe within a day, hijacking chimneys and admirably(and charitably) giving out presents to good children. No sirree. In fact, I can perhaps only muster an indifferent, "Cool story, bro" response at another's hype about this festive period. I mean - it's already routine. After 17 years, if this fazes you, you have a problem. Or maybe I'm the one who has a problem; I'm worried about my own humanity having said the sentence prior.

Anyway, school has been really hectic recently, and my chest agrees, punctuated often with onsets of angina - deeply painful. I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I hope I can get that ECG done ASAP so I can have a peace of mind regarding this issue. It's occurrence is increasing in frequency, so all the more cause for worry for me, and it's noticeably affecting my work. So yeah - I love law class, finally there's a class that encourages my expressiveness and which values my individual opinion, which is refreshing as compared to how my freedom of expression has been stifled (or rather maybe even incarcerated) for until so long. Social and family commitments are also stacking up, and sadly to say I'm no ninja nor do I have a cloning machine nor time machine, so I can only accede to so much. I'm still sticking to my priority list I've left AJ, which is Family > School Work > Friends. So yeah, unfortunately, I doubt I'm going to any BBQs nor class chalets even if I know I'd enjoy them more - friendship is ephemeral after all, it mellows to acquaintanceship comparatively in but just a few years.

Alright, it's late I'm off. Updating this once sem ends.

~Win Ee

2009-12-09T22:59:00.001+08:00

My "SURE-WIN" bandana I got from Japan is proving useful for all these nights I spend mugging.

FIGHTING SPEEE-REET!

~Win Ee

PS: A good news, I aced all my past 4 modules.

Meet Me Halfway.

2009-12-07T23:44:00.001+08:00

I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

Cool,
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' 'bout you
Every single day yes, I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl, what's up, it use to used to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you
Every single day, yes I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey girl what's up, yo what's up, what's up, what's up

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you wanna meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want, I, I, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
Wanna have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway... way
(I'll meet you halfway)

Can you meet me half way
Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and I, for you and I, for for for you and I,
For for for you and I, for for you and I, for you and I

Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way

Meet me half way, right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

This song is too addictive. Should be banned. :(

~WinEe

Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you

2009-12-01T13:11:00.003+08:00

My 400th post. If I were like any other person, I'd probably make this a special "milestone" post, but I won't since I'm nihilistic like that. This post goes as normal, full of details about the going-ons in my life no one wants to know.

Wasted my time in school today, learnt next to nothing new because classmates didn't do their homework over the long weekend. I feel depressed. Reason? I'm not entirely sure, I think I'm just emotionally beating up myself on the inside because I momentarily felt that the class were a letdown. It's a very weird occurrence I guess, but considering that every single day counts because I'm already a year behind my cohort(or rather, my ex-cohort, as I'd left them as soon as I'd decided to quit JC), I really feel the urge to catch up in terms of the learning of new things everyday.

And my project. I said I'd trust them to do whatever work I've delegated, but today I was reluctant to do so; my group was tasked with doing the SWOT and 4Ps analysis for the setting-up of a casino/IR in SG, but I went ahead and did part of it on my own during the long weekend as I had nothing better to do. Now I can't delegate anything because I've already structured the whole assignment, and if I let them contribute their ideas, I'm afraid we'd just wind up using mine instead. So there I was, beating up myself over the idea that perhaps, subconsciously, I didn't trust that they could accomplish work that could meet my own standards.

I just feel like crap today. Obviously having a nightmare(?) throughout the night featuring someone who's no longer a part of my everyday life and thus waking up on the wrong side of bed didn't help either. No idea what the heck is wrong with me today. Just can't see the happier side of things at all. How disheveling.

A day for emo songs, and cursing over recurring fevers(or are they fevers at all? they recur whenever I feel intense).

~WinEe

Magic exists. It's called courage.

2009-11-27T18:43:00.004+08:00

Some people prefer living a routine, finding security in the coven of tested-and-sure, automation-esque day-to-day tautology. Is it just me but I can't see anything appealing about that? Living life like that kills all meaning to me. I want to live everyday like a new adventure, a new experience, discovering novelty with each step of the way; basking in joie de vivre rather than living life as though a race, racing to the grave; nor as a routine, dying unfulfilled and ignorant of what life has to offer. After some re-evaluation of the paths I could take after graduating at the tertiary level, I realised my mom was right. I need to leave SG. Though not as though what my mother meant it to be; to merely further my studies elsewhere, but rather, I'm contemplating leaving permanently. Still, that contemplation is still in the formative stages. Concentrating on what I have to complete now. The future can wait; the present can't.

Anyway, today's Hari Raya and coincidentally, thanksgiving. I celebrate neither, but I do enjoy the break I'm getting out of this. Hurray! I need this time to recuperate - I still have a team to lead. I can't let it go dysfunctional just because I'm ill, can I? So yeah, hoping this half-wrecked body can quickly recover before the long weekend passes in a heartbeat, like long weekends always do. Never fail to feel as though these "long" weekends feel shorter than the ones we usually have.

A resolution : I will ace law even if it kills me.

~Win Ee

Law. Business busy-ness.

2009-11-24T20:25:00.003+08:00

I've been swarmed with work recently, due to law mostly. Just completed 2 powerpoints awhile ago, one of which my group presented on previously today- I think we've been doing a damn good job for the past two presentations. I'm definitely proud of my group, proud of the work we've been doing so far.

At this point, I'm actually more concerned with my own well-being because I've been ill for the past week and a half or so - too busy to rest and recuperate. Damn flu and recurring fevers. And by the way, I was just called a workaholic today. Not that I mind being called that, it only shows my work ethic is having an positive(?) impression and influence on others; but I think I've gotten too carried away with work for quite a bit.

Maturity is about not letting others about you, and I've been making my parents and group mates worry about me. Sadly, I don't think that will change - I need this level of work intensity to continue; this degree of intensity I've created pertaining to work for myself which I've transplanted to my group to continue, to meet the pace of the lessons adequately and so that there is a positive bubble of pressure to ensure we accomplish work of a good quality and complete it efficiently.

I'm quite obsessed over the quality of work I admit - I demand the best of my group, I expect the best of them and in turn I give them my best - in terms of providing them information asymmetry over the other groups through my own extra research, seeking (and creating if necessary) good work environments for them, ensuring that my planning, organising, coordination is done adeptly and caring for their welfare, etc.

In fact, I've been treating this(being the leader of the group) as a little experiment, to apply what I've learnt in organisational behaviour and in management - how to properly motivate them to do their work, what degree and type of leadership behaviour to use etc. It's definitely a very good learning experience for me. I've been using whatever that's worked for me during my tenure as class chair in sec4, as well as applying the new stuff I've learnt in the modules and I think it's been very effective(in my biased opinion)for me and for the group thus far.

I've been trying to lead by example - creating a blazing trail for the rest to follow, maintaining a level of conduct and setting proper work ethics for the rest to emulate, setting the direction, working style of the group, organising the group dynamics, creating the roles, delegating jobs etc. It's a huge strain on me keeping all these in check consciously and I've been spending a lot of time on it but I do feel that it is time well spent.

There are a few quirks in my style of management though - take for powerpoints for example, normally others would have each member do their own share of slides, but I maintained that everyone do their research at home and bring it to school so we can work on the slides together. Sure, this is less efficient, but it's a required tool in my opinion, doing this maintains a level of autonomy for them in the creation of the slides, they get to vote on what to include and exclude, give opinions that they'd otherwise not, and this level of autonomy(and democracy) allows the slides to be more personal to them - this piece of work becomes more important to them because they're a part of it, the whole process, rather than a few measly slides. So, they'll give their best. At school, I think quality is more important than efficiency and the latter should be sacrificed if it there is any sort of compromise. Just a few of my own radical, if not misled, ideas I have had and implemented.

In short - school has been extremely fun and rewarding for me. I get to learn something new and interesting every day, and the forum style of law class(in the stead of conventional lessons, everyone does their own research and presents to the class!) is very enriching to me. I love going to school and working on the assignments.

Obviously no one will read this - it's all pertaining to work and all serious, but all these happens to be very interesting to me. Again, I'm probably getting too carried away with work and having no rest/relaxation, but I really like this resolution I have right now. And I'm forgetting the lack of girlsmyage and other assorted hormonal, puberty related problems/distractions and limerence etc. My lecturer is right, girls are like furniture, they're nice to look at but if they become an obstacle then you have to move them aside. No female objectification intended, just admiring my lecturer's dogma and ideas. She's a qualified and currently active lawyer by the way - I think MDIS did a great job in acquiring her services as a lecturer; extremely experienced, I suppose.

Again, impressive if you've read up to here. There aren't any interesting things for me to update because what I've mostly done up to now pertains to work. Still, it's work I'm enjoying - that doesn't sound almost fair, work is supposed to be hell!

Living life on the edge, to the full.

~Win Ee

PS - My niece is now a month old! She's incredibly cute, born with a head full of lush hair, with sideburns longer than mine - I rather think her hairstyle is rather similar to Elvis'! Incredible.

PSS - Alis Grave Nil, the header of this blog, happens to be the name of my group. It means "Nothing is too heavy to those who have wings" in Latin. Meaningful, huh? x)

_|_ SEASONAL FLU

2009-11-18T17:32:00.002+08:00

I'm down with the flu bug. Yes, again. It's killing me from the inside, and school really wears me out, even without being down with the flu.

Marketing turned out to be okay - heavy on concepts, but it's precisely what I'm good at. As for law, I'm a little miffed as there is a lot of memorisation involved, which I'm perfectly okay with, except that the flu bug makes my mind blank most of the time. I'm just super annoyed when I can consciously feel and sense that my mental faculties are weakening, especially during law when we're supposed to voice out many opinions, and my brain is *just* so slow. But apart from chiding myself a bit, there's nothing I can do to remedy this, except unless the flu goes away. So mean while, I get to look stupid in class as I give opinions that are stupid and incredulous when prompted to *try*. When teachers say try, they want you to _do_ it, as per usual. So yeah, with emphasis through tautology, I look and sound stupid in class. Flu sucks.

Anyway, I've formed a new group with completely different group dynamics for Law. I split up with my clique(only in the context of law class) to create a new group because I felt that one of the members wasn't pulling her own weight, i.e. freeloading. I mean - it's against my work ethic and principle to pull someone as good as a cadaver along within a team, friendship notwithstanding. I don't have very high expectations, even if I do set high standards for my own work, I just need a person to be responsible for his or her own work.

Luckily, the risk I took creating a new group worked as we're done with the powerpoint stuff in about 2 hrs, and considering it fully, concisely and in detail covers 18 chapter concepts, I'd say that's incredibly good. Job accomplished. Choice vindicated.

Anyway, I'm typing this while having a fever. I'm being an idiot again. So I'll sign off now.

~Win Ee

2009-11-14T18:23:00.002+08:00

Cesc Fabregas does his part for Arsenal's official charity. In a bunny suit. Awesome, huh.

So anyway, hullo there, not in the best of moods because there's no Arsenal this week due to stupid internationals, no One Piece manga this week, Lakers lose to Denver Nuggs(or to be more accurate, they got their arses handed to them), yeah, stuff like that. And the weather. It's the worst. Basically, it reflects my general mood, not that I'm going to cry or something, just dark, grey, moody. Sucks!

So this week : Got through exams, went out with friends, nothing really eventful I guess. Went out with my parents to go pray at Bugis Street's GuanYin Temple just a little while back today. Now I'm not a devout buddhist, I just felt obliged to give my thanks because whenever I fall sick or have exams my mom prays to her so that I'd have her blessings and cope well. Hence, I just went there primarily to give my appreciation and to pray for my family and friends etc. I'm just not one to pray for myself because like I mentioned previously, I'm not exactly a pious person who has an absolute faith and zero doubts in an omniscient being and thus I don't deserve any blessings; but I suppose it could work if I prayed for others who may just happen to have faith. Now, I'm sure that makes sense to nobody but myself, so disregard that. Anyway I don't really like discussing religion in real life because my take on it is sure to provoke attack and polarise opinions, generally not a good thing. To me, it's just a tool to impart the societal ethos, virtues and to provide direction and support, or in the case with those so-called "conversations with god", a means for the subconscious to manifest and provide the answers an individual had all along, but hidden in the subconscious. So yeah, it's definitely a good thing in most cases, but it being a means of control and coercion is also a huge downside ie. radicalism/extremism, or producing patriotic zombies for the state (or establishment).

Excuse my babbling, I'm a little tipsy from the vodka over family dinner. Anyway I digress, I went to Kinokuniya after that. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's probably my favourite bookstore; I suppose it could be the ambience, the choice of books, the decor. I definitely prefer it over Times, Borders or Popular though, the lattermost being the worst. Anyway I got me a few books, Allan & Barbara Pease's new book (learned something new : love at first sight = Dopamine + Erepinephrine) , another Armchair economist book and finally, The Longer Tail, a new edition of Chris Anderson's The Long Tail, which is eponymous of the concept it tries to sell, which is basically a business strategy loosely based on the 80:20 Pareto distribution. Hope it comes to use in the next semester when I do Marketing.

Yeah, I'm doing Marketing, as well as business law next sem. Which happens to be like next week. NO HOLIDAYS, BOOHOO. Anyway, this calls for a review of the semester gone by. I'm not exactly pleased with my work even if I think I did do well, I was rather unproductive for most of the sem, I really need to put in more effort given that I'm already a year behind my peers. I suppose I need to increase my revision time to about 2-3 hours per day instead of the less an hour I've been doing for the past sem (lazy me). Well, originally attending school was only a means for me to pass the time, but I really want to take this seriously now, even if it's only a stopgap just in case I couldn't make poly...

I have 2 assignments for the next semester which I expect to solo, so I need all the time I can get to do well for both of them. I'm no fan of groupwork; it slows me down because group mates are more often than not a hindrance such that solo-ing would be better (well, I want things done my way and convincing people takes time I'd rather spend on such). So yeah, I'm all but prepared for the next sem, hope everything goes well.

I'm becoming more incoherent by the second, so I'm stopping here. Yum, darn good vodka.

~Win Ee

HARUHI SUZUMIYAAAAAAAA

2009-11-11T19:48:00.002+08:00

Warning: Long, boring update.

Currently being an otaku, watching Haruhi Suzumiya 8D. In fact, the first song on my blog playlist currently, the one with the greatest guitar solo of all time in the history of anime, happens to be from Haruhi. So yeah, I'm definitely being an otaku desu.

I've actually been unwell since having THAT steamboat @ Roxy Square to celebrate my eldest sister's birthday in the past weekend, the tom yam base disagrees with me and has argued with my stomach ever since, even now. Sadly, that tiff had to coincide with the examinations. I'm swearing off steamboats...for now.

On topic of exams. I'm pretty much done, with Management and Econs being over. Management was a little hellish on my right hand, wrote excessively to the extent that my fingers were locked tightly to the pen-holding position, blood flow having been cut-off due to the intensiveness and length of writing. Yeah, hurt like hell. And you know those abrasions you get from moving your hand as you write - THOSE HURT. All-in-all I wrote about 15 pages, if quantity was ever a barometer of aptitude; not like the concept is something I agree with, but it's something I'm pleased with myself about because I put in quite some bit of effort to study for it. This was harder than the previous semester due to the non-existent teaching this round which affected my motivation quite a lot because my tutor seemed to be reluctant to teach us and we ended up relying wholly on the library. Many brain cells were killed in the studying for this module, I borrowed like, more than 10 books to do research for my assignment and to revise. And for this module, there weren't any tests either, so it was quite scary going forward because the type of exam questions and my own ability was a totally unknown factor. Still, I've always been one to embrace uncertainty haven't I? ;D Anyway I can safely say I've done well for the subject, the heavy emphasis on examples, application, interpretation and evaluation was very much suited to my style because I rely heavily on my fluency, imagination and improvs to get me by and I did ably so for the exam.

Econs was kind of a disappointment though, I don't know if I've done excessively well, or excessively badly. I'd say I'm extremely good with my concepts and my theory explanation was very sound, but the peculiarity of the marking scheme leaves me on shaky ground. I mean like, Price ceiling, draw diagram and explain, 10 marks. UH, there isn't any content to cover that, intents, drawbacks, strategies and examples included, I think. So basically if you can explain the theory, it's already 5 marks? That is some heavy grade inflation. Given that econs has been my favourite subject and my forte, I finished the paper in half an hour. Should be a good thing, except the paper's duration is like 3 hours. So I kept thinking that something must have gone wrong - but I decided to stick to my guns and have faith in my ability, partly because I thought my answers were quite complete as well as concise, and I couldn't add any more to it(shockingly though, I saw some others asking for an extra booklet to write in!). Luckily, it wasn't only me who pretty much finished it so quickly as the first person to hand it in did so in the 1hr30min mark. But I stayed back anyway to wait for my clique so I enjoyed the aircon for almost 2hrs more.

SO IS THIS GOING TO BE GG.COM OR BOOMZ? I'll find out in three weeks when I get results through the mail.

Anyway, something I've noticed in the past month or so due to the free time spent on reading, I'm into new genres again! I used to be more of a fiction person with the Artemis Fowls, Harry Potters, Dan Browns and whatnot, but I've shifted more to non-fiction. My favourite authors now would probably be Levitt&Dubner, Malcolm Gladwell and Tim Harford. Levitt & Dubner happens to be one of the best tag-team writers whose works I've ever read. Levitt's my favourite economist and he's from Chicago Uni in the states, which produced other great economists like Milton Friedman, etc. He's very much a microeconomist, but I can see some bits of behavioural econs (holy shit it's a hybrid between psychology and econs! Dream.) in his work, some very interesting stuff. And Dubner, of course, writes for the New York Times(methinks), great journalist. Not going into detail about Gladwell, quite sure he's pretty well known for his work e.g. Tipping Point, Blink, etc. Brilliant journalist/sociologist. And Tim Harford, another great microeconomist, loved his Undercover Economist series. They're all as entertaining as fiction stuff and there's a lot to be picked up from their work too, very real and useful applications to real life. For example, have you ever thought of having kids as an economies of scale? (Given that I've always wanted to have a football squad number of descendants, this is relevant to me.) It's not worth it having only one kid, the fixed costs of having kids is a lot but as always, AFC falls when production increases. Yes, I'll have as many kids as I can afford. And another example quite relevant to students - given that grading is becoming more relative now and decided by bell-curves, the tacit-collusion theory can be applied to student bodies colluding together to slack-off and get good grades with minimum effort, as they mimic an oligarchy, especially a tacitly-collusive one, as there is an incentive for each and every one of them to study and get better grades than others, so as to top the cohort(and be the market leader). So teachers should skip tests altogether and opt for colossal exams so that they, as an oligarchy, cannot find out who the non-adhering ones are as they would have through taking multiple tests and pressure them into submitting to the rest and slacking-off, thereby making it ineffective. Some really interesting stuff like that. Love it. I'll definitely consider the option of continuing studying business and econs in MDIS if I get a scholarship and cannot get into Psychology in poly.

So yesterday I was re-tracing my steps and thinking about what I've been reading since I ever picked up Spot the Dog(OMG!) as my first book, not to mention those waterproof picture books I used to read whilst soaking in the bath(back when I still had one) and playing with soap suds & complementary rubber duckies(yes, I had those too, so cool right). 3-6 was probably all picture books, but at around 6 I started the Childcraft series of children encyclopedias, I really missed them, but they're in better hands now with my nephews who need them more. 6-8 was Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl, really loved those. 9-11 was when I started being interested in chinese mythology and history in general, started fervently collecting and reading the Horrible History series and those Asiapac comics(I used to do show and tell about them in primary 5!). I really, really enjoyed those. I'm still into history but not as much, secondary school made sure that interest was killed off pretty much. 12-15 was Harry Potter. Everybody was reading that when I was twelve. After that, more Harry potter, Manga, and Artemis Fowl. 15-17 was Dan Brown and a bit of other fiction thrown in. Yeah, it was interesting to chart my reading progression, just as I've done with the change in musical preference previously. My tastes and preferences have changed a lot in the past 2 years I'd say, unfathomably so.

Okay I'm a little tired writing this much, still not feeling too well due to the tummy disagreement with tomyam. I'll end here. My blog needed a long post like this after all the inactivity.

~Win Ee

2009-11-07T22:23:00.000+08:00

I won't ever lose sight of my priorities ever again.

Back.

2009-10-31T15:16:00.003+08:00

Back, from the illicit and guilty trysts with Tumblr, the allures of whom failed to fully draw me away from my love-hate relationship with beloved Blogger, after the latter decided she wanted me back by allowing me to log-in, following an intense cold war of more than a month which has caused us both a mass of attritional emotional damage. A paroxysm of euphoria drowns us as we re-conciliate our differences and vow to make up for lost time. Sealed with a ~~kiss~~ post.

But I digress. I've been away at tumblr for awhile after being unable to log-in. Anyway, I missed blogger even though tumblr was helluva fun, it's closer to a social-networking site ala Twitter, Facebook, et al, than a blog; the community there being largely indie, fun , closely-knit and filled with familiality, an adjective I just coined for describing how family-like it is. However though, I'm away on an indefinite hiatus from it as I found that I still MISSED blogger and tried to log in again, leading up to this post. Anyway, tumblr introduced me to a whole range of new stuff, hobbies like photography (more specifically, bokeh), watching basketball, watching glee, listening to indie music, et cetera, the list is endless. It became less of my own personal blog, but rather a symbiote that needs to be fed, as I was inclined to post on it by obligation rather by my own choice and decision. An addiction would be a rather more apt description. So I left. The opportunity cost of updating & reading @ tumblr for the whole day was too high, when my priorities should be studying.

On the topic of studying, I got back my results from semester 1, both As. I'm rather thriving in this new environment, where the lack of both a rigid, unchallengeable chain of command and a setting of an anachronistic diktat that suffocates and kills off by asphyxiation any source of motivation and interest, proved to be rather effective for me, as it eases all tension and there is an onus on my part to do well due to interest rather than through oppression. Yes, that is secretly a rather sour-grape and ungracious comment on my previous school, the top management of which decided it was appropriate to kick out 50 students wantonly as it desperately needs to amend its increasingly poor results and cover up it's poor management. I highly suspect it is the reason behind the exodus of teachers from the school.

Ironically, I'm currently doing econs and management and my exams are in a fortnight. I hope to do well, there's more desire to prove myself more than ever, as the desire is rather an understatement, it is rather a pent-up feeling of smoulderingly intense causticity begging to be relieved. I want to get that diploma/scholarship so much and soon, it hurts. Anyway, I'm on to a good start after the semester one results, as well as my recent econs test results (I actually aimed for full-marks, but I lost two marks to carelessness - I got accused of being greedy and of hubris due to that comment) and my completed management assignment. BRING IT ON, EXAMS.

Anyway, it has been a rather good month for me, all-in-all. Arsenal, the North London Derby, tonight!

~Win Ee

Meh.

2009-09-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

Exams over, flu still unrelenting.

~Win Ee

Somehow,

2009-09-09T21:20:00.001+08:00

I think I should stop with the retarded behaviour and posts. :(

~Win Ee

Boring, long journey back home on the bus?

2009-09-09T21:17:00.002+08:00

Name of the game : Busfling
Objective : Get an attractive girl's attention via eye contact and facial expressions.
Rules : Only expressions/eye contact/subtle gesturing with the hands | You win if she steals a glance when you alight/she alights
Bonus : She approaches you. Insert witty pick-up line be it negative/positve
Allowed WMDs in the game (ultis,lol):
1. Leaning against window, slouched in the seat, looking up.
2. Looking away the exact moment she glances, to make it extra obvious and make sure she felt the stare
3. Smiling mysteriously to self while she's looking this way
4. Staring straight back with just a hint of a smile
5. Eyes closed and a knowing half-smile when you know she's sneaking a glance.

Hitrate for today : 1 of 1, 142, 1 stop after my home, outside SAJ to TPY interchange.
Bonus acquired? : No

Feeling?: Smug

~Win Ee

Recent albums acquired: Colbie Caillat, The Fray, Boys Like Girls, Jordin Sparks.

SEP-DEC ALBUM HUNT

2009-09-04T16:10:00.001+08:00

Colbie Caillat - Fallin' for you

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me

I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know where to
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I think I’m fallin’ for you

I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)

I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

What an awesome song, it's definitely worthy to be #1 on Billboard.

Yes, it means I'm buying her album.

As well as this list(between now and december):

Pixie Lott (she has a great voice!)
Boys Like Girls (had been waiting eagerly for their new album! Read some bad reviews but that's not going to put me off because that's what happened with their debut album)
Kristinia Debarge (lag, I know. Her voice sounds like Rihanna's)
Esmee Denters (yet another amazing artist who got scouted off from youtube)
All Time Low
Cobra Starship (1st album was a little disappointing, this one will be better though. I hope.)
Paramore
Jordin Sparks
78violet (No, I have absolutely NO IDEA why they changed their name from Aly&Aj which was fine previously)
We the Kings (it'll be out in nov/dec I think)
Backstreet Boys
Breaking Benjamin
Carrie Underwood
Michelle Branch
John Mayer (couldn't have come sooner)
Mika

Maybes :
Chevelle
Amerie
Whitney Houston(THE MOTHER OF ALL COMBACKS, LOL!)
Weezer
Switchfoot

I LOVE album-hunting season.

Okay that should be all...unless something catches my ~~eye~~ ear. And on the topic of music : New perspective is to Panic at the Disco what New Divide was to Linkin' Park. With this new single, they've struck a balance between their new and old styles, forming something that'll probably bring the new fans and the old together. Really glad about PATD's current work; Pretty. Odd. was quite disappointing to me, especially as a fervent fan of their 2005 album. Hope they'll work on a new album soon.

Sidetrack: I want to watch Jennifer's Body. WHY THE HECK IS IT RATED R? Nobody should ever be barred from a movie that has Megan Fox in it. Because it's unfair.

I'm being suaned by friends in class for I'm not able to watch these movies. In fact, they'll bring me to G-Force. How terribly exciting. Worse still, they use the line from a commercial I can't recall, "Dai4 Ni3 Chu1 Lai2, Zhen1 Ma2 Fan2!".

I am so not amused.

~Win Ee

PS: How I get all that money to buy these albums would be a different story though...DONATIONS, ANYONE? ;-;

girl watching

2009-09-03T19:57:00.001+08:00

Scenario: Bowling Alley, Kovan. Sitting while watching buddies play. Mood : distracted/bored/amused. Weather : perfect. Ambience : doleful/hanging/relaxed. Decked out in blue-white vertically striped shirt, slim jeans, "RODEO!" belt. Hair suavely smoothed to one side.

Aimlessly turned head towards vending machine. Spots a couple in black. Bored, eyes follow couple. They stop in front of lame Lilo and Stitch toy catching machine. Thinks nothing of typical couple behaviour, gets back to watching buddies play. Girl looks kind of hot though, statuesque, toned, chestnut complexion, wavy long hair, accentuated figure, ticks all the right boxes.

30s later

Turns back aimlessly again, short attention span of goldfish exhausted. Finds girl looking right back. Left hand on hip, right hand on machine, hips turned to this direction. Boyfriend still staring intently into lame toy catching machine. Tell me I'm not hallucinating. Looks back to the game not wanting to draw attention.

10s later

Irresistibly looks back, to find girl still staring. Crapping in the pants. Tries not to notice, but already on the verge of tittering. I am hallucinating. Man in black notices girl's distraction and pulls her away from the machine, heading to the arcade. Along the way, girl turns back over her shoulder, flips her hair and gives an acknowledging wink. M-A-T-I-N-G behaviour(, babe!).

Cognitive processes at this point, pokemon style. Because pokemon rules.

Trainer WinEe has spotted level 87 hot chick in black!
What should WinEe do?

~~Fight~~ | ~~Use item~~ | Throw pokeball | Run

WinEe got away successfully.(duh)

Evaluation of what would have happened if pokeball was thrown.

WinEe threw a pokeball.
Jealous trainer in black shows up! The pokeball was deflected by jealous trainer in black!
Jealous trainer used "SHE'S MINE, ASSHOLE!" MEGA PUNCH TO THE LEFT EYE!

CRITICAL HIT!

LoseEe has fainted! LoseEe whited out!

Damn, I need a hobby.

~Win Ee

PS: Lack of girlsmyage is indeed posing a problem on my mental health.

PSS: 'Tis the season for girlwatching and album-hunting!

these wounds are self inflicted, one more thing I'm addicted to.

2009-08-31T22:39:00.001+08:00

Was caught between 2 phases of my past today. Go back AJ? Or CCH?

Neither would have worked. Lessons in the morning. Go AJ, nobody left, all leaving to sec sch. Go CCH, ended up not seeing any either as they've left as well. So, so disappointed.

A good time for reminiscence though. Places belonging to the past and meeting old friends induce that.

Just thinking that today, albeit a year back, was the start of my inner conflicts and my constant struggle with myself. It lasted for say, 9months? Identity crisis, disillusionment with life - it's plain to see from my previous posts. I'm glad for the change of schedules and environment, it's certainly a catalyst for this change for the better. I really cherish my life a lot more - my time with my family, schoolwork(I've been doing very well even if I do say so myself, largely due to interest in the subject than sheer hard hateful work) and on a more serious note, my future. Yes, I've always treated my future with disregard - I've always drifted through most of the decisions in my life but this year I put a stop to it and now I'm in total control. It's a great feeling, I feel more like an individual now, not another average joe nobody would give a shit about - ala the many young sheep of Singapore. I've realised that every little thing in my life has a pronounced butterfly effect on my future; I've come to learn this the hard way. This has had a profound effect on me too - I feel like I've changed, the personality tests refute that, but the manner in which I handle situations are different; the way I feel towards situations are different; the way I perceive situations are different; but most of all, I feel different. Maybe something a butterfly emerging from its cocoon might feel, though I may not be very modest in using this as an analogy.

I used to be a pacifist, okay with people pushing me around(though fortunately I surrounded myself with friends who don't take me for granted), but I've learnt to fight back. Because I learned that there is a fine line between being magnanimous and meek. A fine line between compassion and self-hurting.

I used to think, "oh how it could have been" but now I think "SHIT YEAH I'LL DO IT".

I used to feel "oh damn what do they think of me?" but now I think "of course they think I'm awesome because I IRREFUTABLY AM, SHIT YEAH!".

I used to be 80%serious 20%light hearted but now I'm serious when the situation calls for it and have crazy fun in all exceptions.

I used to keep quiet in conversations because I thought others wouldn't want to hear what I think or they would think it to be lame, but now I don't care and shoot anyway. Much to the chagrin of others, I'll add, but hey I can afford to be insensitive sometimes. Males naturally are.

I used to cling on to past crushes that I never progressed to anything beyond that because of my cowardice, but now I'm clean over every single one of them(yes, all 6517618168 of them, fickle me) and I no longer believe in crushes because they are stupid. It's either you like or you don't like. Love or don't love. Crushes are an excuse for people who are commitment phobic, don't know what they want or don't have what it takes to bring it to the next level(or all three, AKA ME.). TAKE THAT, HORMONES. MATURITY WINS. Yes, it also means I'm single and available. Not like I've never been, but any takers ;)?

Overall I'm a lot more balanced. Yes, taichi balance/yinyang balance, not the SPOON EGG RACE! balance - I'm still pretty much a klutz. But I digress. I'm referring to the fact that I used to be very bipolar, one moment I feel great like I'm the first man on the moon, the other I feel like the world has collapsed and my cats died. It was because I relied too much on external appraisal and approval to feel good about myself, the lack of which makes me feel like shit. I don't need that now. And a sub point would be my extreme views , the its either black or white kind. I've found gray.

Kill me but I've to say I've grown to know and love myself. Cue the goosebumps. It's been a long journey in getting here but there's an even longer one ahead. I'm forward to better times, because of this new outlook. It's a day to feel good about myself.

No happenings of note today, had L4D with the rest for about a good 4 hours, really enjoyed it. Then I left because they were going to ECP and frankly I wasn't keen on it. Rest + revision more important. School tomorrow. Gonna love it!

Off, probably to read my set of OB notes - a test on wednesday, exam in two weeks. Quoth Fred from The Flintstones, "YABBA DABBA DOO!"

God I love that cartoon to bits.

~Win Ee

what's the brouhaha about

2009-08-30T17:37:00.003+08:00

Blogger has been so lonely, everyone's off to tumblr and onsugar =(

Been busy with school lately, school is A LOT of fun! Especially OB. I LOVE OB. We have possibly one of the best lecturers and I've done pretty well under his tutelage. Breezing through tests w/o studying much and it's not like it's easy either. Lots of writing. And use of diagrams. Like econs. Ahhhh. 8D

Accounting, on the other hand, is complete bullshit. It's not very wise to count the chickens before they hatch but I can say without a hint of a doubt that I've got the test completely correct. Accounting is really easy after Ms.Tansekjiau's drillings. Can slack during accounts lessons, in fact I usually do my own work as the teacher is too slow. Smelling complacency yes? But hey, I do my own share of revision and studying too, so I think I'm okay. *grins*

Just completed an OB assignment yesterday night and watched the Arsenal match. Those who know their footy would know we lost.

Because Mike Dean forgot his contacts, bought a rooney dive and did not give us a deserved penalty.

CONCLUSIVE PROOF ROONEY DIVED:

_|_ FACE MY WRATH YOU CHEAT _|_

Okay, back to civilised behaviour.

Watched Final Destination, which was a complete waste of time and money. Only tagged along because the rest wanted to watch it.

5 reasons not to watch it.

1. There are too many cuts in the movie, it's only 82 minutes long. Get the DVD.
2. You already know the full plot. If you don't, get a brain transplant.
3. For a horror movie, it is so unscary I laughed at some of the gory scenes. Partly because I'm a little sadistic.
4. Poor acting screws the whole movie.
5. There is no logic at all. It hurts my brain.

1 REASON TO WATCH IT.

1: THE GIRLS ARE HOT. Too bad they're >7 my age. Damnit.

And yes, there's still a distinct lack of girlsmyage in school. This is bad for my growth, I'm telling you. I feel like I'm going to mutate to a woman soon, watch this space.

~Win Ee

_|_ ROONEY _|_

2009-08-18T20:41:00.000+08:00

I should have been this fearless back then(s).

~Win Ee

anticipating for...

2009-08-15T12:53:00.001+08:00

Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls
(hey! hey! hey! hey!)
Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue (taste it on my tongue)
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurt
But girl in case you haven't heard
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying say hello to goodbye
Cause just one sip would make me sick
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, but now it's over
(hey! hey! hey! hey!)
Hot sweat and blurry eyes
Were spinning round a rollercoaster ride
The world stuck in black and white
You drove me crazy every time we touched
Now I'm so broken that I can't get up
Oh girl you make me such a rush
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying say hello to goodbye
Cause just one sip would make me sick
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, but now it's over
All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me threw
I'm checking into rehab because everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you ...
I used to be love drunk , but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, but now it's over
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now its just a bar fight
So dont call me crying say hello to goodbye
Cause just one sip would make me sick
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, but now it's over
Now it's over
Still taste it on my tongue
Now it's over

Can't wait for the new album!

~Win Ee

spastic

2009-08-14T20:41:00.002+08:00

HELLO I FEEL OSTENSIBLY GOOD TODAY, SO I'M JUST GOING TO CAPS INAPPROPRIATELY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT! YEAH TODAY IS FRIDAY! EVERYONE LOVES FRIDAY. TGIF.

Was watching a chinese soap opera on TV with my mom just now, lot's of testosterone, adrenaline, cringe-inducing mushiness and lovey-dovies. BUT STILL, I SURVIVED, AHA. So during commercial break I was thinking of Abraham Maslow.OKAY CORRECTION, NOT HIM, HIS THEORY. Specifically this: Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory. Something I learnt in school(synonym to fun and exciting) recently. Simple theory, picture a flight of stairs with 5 steps, to go up a step you must already be on a step lower, except in the context of the theory, you must fulfil a need to move up to another. Basically these are the needs, in order.

1. Physiological - food water, etc.
2. Security - Shelter, emotional security, etc.
3. Social - FRIENDS.
4. SELF-ESTEEM - the need to feel good about yourself
5. Self-actualisation - Knowing and reaching to your full potential.
(not covered: self-transcendence)

OF COURSE I'M NOT THINKING OF SCHOOL WORK AFTER SCHOOL ON A FRIDAY. I was playing around with the theory in my head. The drama and the recent girlsmyage-deprived conditions must have got into my head because SOMEHOW, I came up with THIS:

~~PROFESSOR~~ WINEE.C'S HIERARCHY OF INSTINCTIVE ASPECT SCREENING TO FIND AN IDEAL MATE THEORY.

It will revolutionise the world. (of course.)

So, basically, similar to the Maslow theory, you have to screen and successfully match your expectations to each aspect before you ~~throw the dice~~ move up the ladder. This theory is instinctive, meaning it's not done consciously but it is a natural cognitive process.

ASPECT #1: Physiological. - Appearance, physical traits.(YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE WITH HER FOR 50+ YEARS. NO WAKING UP ONE DAY FEELING FML TTM) This will be the aspect that will initially CATCH and CAPTURE your attention. Those who say looks are not important are either asexual, homosexual or lying, or all of the above-mentioned. However, there is some truth to personality being more important than looks, refer below.

ASPECT #2: INDIVIDUAL QUALITIES,PERSONALITY TRAITS AND ATTRIBUTES. - Sustains your attention after the initial but usually ephemeral captivation. Just because she's hot it doesn't mean that she won't be a total beee-atch. TRUE STOR[Y/IES]. Screen for ideal qualities. Me, being a picky and an epicurean person, I want a girl who's shy and conservative(not in the no sociable way, the I'll act coy if it's intimate and personal way) but at the same time an extrovert, elegant and sophisticated, can and will think for herself, independent yet waiting for my shoulder, chatty and flirty but only with me, confident and assured because it's incredibly sexy, comical and spontaneous and adventurous and funny and spunky and add a little dash of innocence and self-awareness to top it off and be my perfect woman. OMG I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF SEARCHING FOR A GIRL LIKE THAT.

ASPECT #3: INTERPERSONAL DYNAMICS, CHEMISTRY AND COMPATIBILITY. - LIKE, LOVE-HATE. I LOVE TO LOVE YOU BUT I HATE BEING WITH YOU. Your dream girl And after that, she won't be your dream girl no more ): Basically, how well you get along together and whether is getting together sustainable or not. Know it by feeling. I gotta feeling~

ASPECT #4: MATCHING VALUES AND PRINCIPLES. - Or face hell down the road. Like, punctuality. Wait, GIRLS DON'T HAVE THAT. Ah well...

ASPECT #5: RESOLUTION AND ACTUALISATION. - Idealism is idealism because it fails. People change. All the time. Some even change in a second without you realising. What happens then? Damn geminis.

Awesome WORK, YES. Now, if only there were girlsmyage test-subjects in school.

Yes, ugly to see a deprived guy like this, I KNOW. I'm at the tail-end of my pubertal stages, it is NOT normal for me to live in an environment w/o girlsmyage. It's unhealthy not having a secret crush in school.

My hormones are screaming, "ME WANT!"
~~My balls are twitching, "ME WANT!"~~
I'm on the verge of howling, "ME WANT!"

Hope I get a new crush soon. OR I'll be retarded like this, permanently.

ME WANT!

~Win Ee

Brain damage. It's been a good year since I last dropped the seriousness and posted irreverently without giving a hoot about the world. It does feel good.

anticipate

2009-08-13T20:59:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I have no idea why my mom would rage at me for the littlest of reasons or like now, for no apparent reason at all. Nope, no idea. Damn tired today, 6+hrs of lessons and almost no sleep last night, come home, incessant nagging, then after dinner getting mad at me for not listening to her at all and having poor attitude and tone. Like what? I haven't said anything because I was tired, so what tone? Sigh I really don't know what is wrong, maybe I'm really the problem. But hey, not going to let this affect me now, I'm still in a fairly good mood. I'll just maintain this silence.

Lady gaga concert yesterday was awesome, yes yes. The concert was delayed for 1 hour but it was worth the wait; almost all my favourite tracks off the album were played! And cue wild dancing and crazy screaming/howling. And she's damn vulgar, LOL! "If someone brings you down, tell them that Lady Gaga said to FUCK OFF!" she's damn awesome. And hot. And hot. Twice because it's deserving. And yeah, she's hot. Oh.

Watched Up! with my family last sunday. It was absolutely awesome! I want my married life to be like Carl and Ellie's except that we'd have kids and we'll fulfil our dreams. Picture perfect. Someday. Super touched by the movie, ALMOST cried 4 times. Almost, it was hard not to. I'd love to watch it again. I'm definitely more careful about straying away from my dreams now, I really don't want to wait till I'm old before lamenting about how my life could have been. I'd watch it again, anytime.

Class is fun as always, discovered some interesting things about myself. Like, I never knew I had that super-high self-esteem. 84/100, WOW. Almost top. Almost. I used to feel really sucky about myself in the past, be in injuries or weight or girls or some other crap. Somehow I just feel great recently, like I'm able to accomplish anything I want to in the world if I want to. And my machiavellianism was expectedly low because I know that I'll always be bounded by my principles and values. Still, I'm utterly ruthless and manipulative and monopoly now >__> Record stands 6wins outright, 1 runner-up. It's not just luck, babe! Skill hor! My sis is still utterly resentful about how I get my way playing these board games. I love having more family time now, be it board games or TV. My family is the most important thing to me in my life right now.

I love OB and psychology in general. If only it were less cynical though. Random, I know.

~Win Ee

P.S. VERY motivated to study.

2009-08-09T18:45:00.002+08:00

NDP: Corny yet magnetic. Really reminds me of the times when my godfather brought me along(with my mom as well) to the parades. It was always a tight squeeze, but it never failed to be satisfying, I've always loved the colourful costumes, the comedic theatrics, the soulful songs I'd sing along to, the lousy mass packed burgers that I'd nevertheless stuff myself with, toying with the various gadgets in the NDP pack. Then bring those said gadgets to school and brag about being there.

It's been many, many years since I've been to the actual parade. It just comes across to me as a rehash of a rehash of a rehash of the original parade. Not to say it's not good; it is, if a tad boring. They've done a good job trying to make old stuff look new though, I kind of like this year's theme. The songs though, have gone downhill. I'm talking about Electrico's. It's horrible to be honest. Frankly during the days heading up to NDP, go anywhere and you hear NDP songs, hence it's really easy to compare the quality of the songs which IMO has gone downhill; I'd sing to Home any day but this...?

Still, watching the parade on TV(right now!) still restores that little bit of childlike wonderment in me. I love the military arnaments on show, even if some of them are not new. This part of the show I'd rather stay unchanged, it never fails to entice me.

I'm still watching the parade right now, with my parents. Also, it happens to be the birthday of this blog. It's cliche but why does time pass so quickly?

~Win Ee

the anticipated

2009-08-03T22:16:00.001+08:00

Okay so today was the first day of school. To be frank it wasn't particularly eventful, nor did I make any new friends. There were no introductions, just straight into the lesson. The lecturer has a strict, rigid and terse style of teaching, but at times he knows just when to include appropriate analogies and examples, as well as some of his surprisingly excellent bits of humour, making me quite at ease if not languid. Still, I realise a lot has to come from my own personal effort so I made extra notes on my own and went to the library for 3-4 hours after class to self-study in the library. I'm very satisfied with myself thus far. As for friends...I don't even have any acquaintances yet and I'm quite disappointed at that but I think the months to follow would pass by quickly as did the 8 months that just past me by this year. So if I end up doing it solo I won't mind, I'll do it because my mom has great expectations of me and she paid for the course so I don't want to let her down. Also, I have my own expectations to live up to. I hope that there will be a Galatea Effect of sorts and I'll end up doing great for the exams, but I'm taking this 1 step at a time.

On a brighter note the lesson I had on organisational behaviour today is based on psychology, specifically the process of learning and personality. He's really good at asking those philosophical questions, I'm hooked. I'm having a deluge of new ideas at the moment. He said that everyone is born having the same, equal amount of intelligence, it's laziness to think that sets us apart. Frankly I disagreed with him during lesson but he was well prepared and scoffed at my argument that everyone is born having a unique mental capacity. He also set out a challenge, saying if anyone would like to challenge that theory he or she would have to sit in the library to read for 20 hours before speaking to him. Yeah, the lesson and his words made me go to the library and do my own studying. I'm currently still studying about the dimensions of personality and maybe I'll move on tomorrow. Maybe. Word of the day : think!

Avalanche is currently my favourite song. Hope the album comes out soon. Looking forward to school tomorrow.

~Win Ee

new beginnings

2009-08-02T20:43:00.001+08:00

School life in MDIS starts for me tomorrow. Wish me luck!

~Win Ee

ephemeral best friends

2009-07-30T20:56:00.001+08:00

By leaving, I've lost a lot. A lot more than I'd initially thought. Yesterday was SC farewell for j2s. With that done and dusted, it's probably the last time that I'd go back. It's taken me a whole day to recollect my thoughts after yesterday. I've always known that weishun was a good friend, probably the best I had in sports club, but yesterday I realised that has been a bit of an understatement because he's really my best friend. Maybe it's because I'm not a "best friends" person. I've my own weird quirks, neither an extrovert nor an introvert but somewhere in between(I'm more of a mood person, in the mood I'd be the loudest in the room, if I'm not good luck realising I'm there). I'm hardly ever frank and I keep stuff to myself, preferring to border on the superficial(no, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not though) rather than discuss my true thoughts because I always doubt what I think would interest anyone. It's no surprise I've hardly had a person I could call a best friend, since I figure it's kind of hard to open me up. It's a little different with him though, since we're probably on the same wavelength, we could talk for hours without consciously thinking up of topics to talk about and he's a really fun and funny person. Y'know, the kind of guy you get along so well with he'd probably be the best man at your wedding. I didn't really get it until yesterday night when he msged me telling me that it was great to see me again etc. It's strange. Strange that the epiphany hit me only yesterday. At the same time, isn't this kind of a like tragicomedy, knowing who your best friend is only after you've left? I'm feeling lousy as heck again. Screwed up.

It was really nice seeing everyone again, to be honest sometimes sc was the only thing aside from class that kept me going to school, even though most of the time I'd quarrel with my mom over it because she doesn't want me to go because of the long hours and me constantly getting injured but I didn't care and continued going anyway. I missed the bubbletea gang, we'd always go to amkhub's sweettalk after cca to chit-chat and drink. It's sad but yesterday will probably be the last time out with them.

And to complete the totally fml day, I couldn't find a person I really, *really* wanted to bid a farewell to. She's someone quite special, though probably just a momentary crush, but I was quite shattered when I found out she wouldn't be around and that it wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Still, it's kind of insignificant now isn't it...?

Wanted to leave on a happy note. I'm not saying I regret going back, just lamenting how it turned out the way it did. To top it off we got scolded by the j2's most hated teacher of all time.

Why am I always a step too late?

~Win Ee

depressed again. /wrists

the beautiful game

2009-07-27T21:51:00.001+08:00

Not much to update about recently, went shopping with my mom to refurbish my stale wardrobe. As usual, it started off with, "boy ah, this jacket looks not bad hor"(literally translated of course) and snowballed into a buying spree. Apparently I just need a small trigger to arouse the shoppaholic little demon in me and start a frenzy that involves the whole departmental store, in this case; metro. Seriously I'm such a shitty person. That's not to say I'm not pleased with my buys, even if they're sinful/guilt-inducing material good. I feel better having my mom tell me they're necessities that were just coincidentally on sale, though. It's fated.

************don't read if you don't watch football, you won't understand anything I'm saying hereon.****************

Alright actually I hadn't intended to post today at all, but just now on facebook there was this wall post by Arsenal that linked an article to a site I used to frequent. I promptly read it and felt good about it, but it was different after going to the forums and seeing all the angst and even rage + all the negatives. I wrote an angst-filled post in response on fb but it exceeded the word limit, bleh. It's not like I'm long winded/chatty either. I haven't talked about my favourite club in a long time. It's really hard not having any fellow fans around you because you can't express what you feel, which is kind of vital as football never fails to induce in you rich and powerful emotions. So far I haven't really dedicated a blog post to football but this will be the first because it's becoming unbearable. I've been wondering : "what really constitutes being a fan?" because some of the people I see on the forums, in my eyes, challenge my own definition. They boo their own players, flame their own manager(the best we've had yet) and have a pessimistic bias when it comes to the team, showing a lack of faith and defying what should be natural, since most humans(if not all) have an optimistic bias which is why they do stupid things like smoke/take drugs thinking, "oh it(cancer/death) can't happen to me".

But still, they follow the team's fortunes, they don't recognise progress but are quick to emphasise flaws and setbacks. They crave instant gratification, think it's a computer game of football manager 2009, always demanding to buy new players and in the process replace the whole team along with the manager. They're also fickle and gullible, easily led by youtube videos to think that an unproven player is the new Messiah and as convinced as to think buying him will make us win the quadruple. I blame it on the media. This isn't what being a fan is about. Sometimes the simplest words are the most difficult to define so I went to m-w.com to cross-check to see if I'm the one who's deluded. Apparently in its definition the words "adjudicator" and "criticiser" don't show up too, just as in my own. So who are these people exactly, to judge and criticise? Being a fan is about having faith, getting behind the team, supporting it through thick and thin and ultimately, enjoying the game as it is after all, meant to be entertainment. If you rage about it then there's really no point, is there?

Personally, Arsenal is something very close to the heart, something intimate, something like religion, something that transcends all boundaries. I'm proud to be a gooner and I've been since circa 2005. I've followed the club farther back, in 1998 when my cousin introduced me to Arsenal, I still remember we were playing in the UCL in an away fixture. We were wearing dark blue in my memory, though it's kind of foggy now. I wasn't really a fan until 2005 when henry and shawn showed up. Then, the football bug caught me and I started being a fan around that time. Everyone should realise 2005 is the year we went downhill, we haven't won since then and sometimes it IS agonising. Derided as the weakest in the top for and not challenging, soon to be displaced, no-hopers, a shit team, yeah. I've heard it all. My convictions and faith have never never wavered however. I still watch the matches even though sometimes I end up depressed and ruining my mood for the subsequent day. I'm still waiting patiently for us to win a trophy but I haven't whined at all(if a slight lamentation doesn't count). You don't see Liverpool fans whining about not winning the EPL for 19 years(OKAY, they do, just not as much as our fans) and you don't hear them slating the team and wanting to sack the manager.

Ultimately it comes down to why you're even supporting the club. Some people crave glory, they crave winning, they crave success, they crave being able to boast about it. I believe some people are really like that. Others support because of family/friends influence and aren't really that fervent supporters themselves, just going with the flow. I started out the latter, but now it's mainly because I connect strongly with the philosophy of the club. On the pitch we play flowing, attacking football, redolently in tribute of the beautiful game. We give youth a chance and believe in the promises that youth brings. We believe a football team should be built not bought and thusly resisted the temptation to spend big bucks like virtually everyone else does. We have our own set of principles that we don't go against despite heavy pressure to do so, even refusing a cash injection from an dubious investor because of it when any other club would have happily accepted it. We believe in sportsmanship as well and that's why you hardly hear about unsporting behaviour from the club's players, unlike other clubs like Bolton and Manutd. We believe in ethics and are a club with morals, as shown in our formal, no frills, procedural and respectful manner in which we go about in our transfer dealings instead of using underhanded means like tapping up on players/managers like Tottenham and Chelsea do. We're also a family-friendly club and all our players have squeaky-clean images, unlike some players who party frivolously in disregard of their status as public role models, ending up embarrassingly in the tabloids in the next day. We also give back to society by supporting a new charity every year. That's why in the top four, Manutd are the team everyone else loves to hate, Liverpool are the ones with heritage, Chelsea are the ones flush with cash but lack identity and class, while Arsenal are the classy/beautiful football club. Correct me if I'm wrong. Class is about doing things the right way and that's the Arsenal way, which is why I'm proud to be a gooner. That's why I'm pissed when people diss us in a casual manner, I remember I once speared Siew Keong for it. I'm also pissed when some so-called fans undermine our image by booing our own players and for whining/acting like bunch of losers. Obviously the media which somehow has a bias against us(yes they do, it's well documented that the bbc is biased against us) exploits it and makes it even harder on the manager and creating a pessimistic culture among the fans as well as big-ing up originally insignificant issues and presenting them as major problems that would result us in being doomed if not solved promptly.

Much of the expectations placed on the club have been overly unrealistic and as a result many have been let down again and again, causing them to be disillusioned with the club. This is a club in rebuilding, in transition. 4 year's isn't a long time to be spent rebuilding a side, especially other teams have spent decades just trying to establish themselves. The problem is that fans have long been accustomed to a diet of glory and success. It's like a drug that has them hooked and has consumed them. Anything less would leave them in severe withdrawal, grief, disbelief, agony. Maybe this explains the behaviour of some of the "fans".

There's no quick-fix to this though and maybe the cure to it may turn out to be what these "fans" crave the most. A trophy. But no sweat over it, since it's the job of the manager isn't it? Moreover he's among the best, if not the best, in the business. In Arsene we trust! Maybe the rest will start to get it, there's nothing else they can do anyway so they should just be optimistic about it.

***********************************End of rant.*******************************************************

Whew, had to get that off my chest. I'm tired of feeling like shit and it's bad enough without fellow gooners making it worse.

~Win Ee

splurging

2009-07-22T14:32:00.001+08:00

I've been making my mom splurge on me quite a lot recently. First was the relapse of my album hunting impulses, now it's a new gen2 ipod touch. I just got it yesterday and I feel extremely guilty, rather than happy, about getting it. Originally I only intended to send my old iPod touch for servicing because I realised I missed it a hell lot and my phone really is no replacement for it, but when I got to the sapura service centre in TPY the customer service officer told me that there's no repair available and I had to pay 400+ bucks to get it replaced, not to mention the replacement will only have a 3 month warranty. I was like, "OH FUCK." on the spot. Seriously. Apple why sooo bad customer service ;(? So I was at a loss for what to do; my mom said "eh why not let's just go get a new one". And along with the new iPod touch, she got me new shure se102 earphones(the SE530s were on my wishlist! but these were good and I'm glad to have them), a new iClear case, a bagman pouch for my iPod and a dicota bag. HOLY SHIT $1300+. I'm sorry and guilty for not saying, "no mom, these are wants and not needs." Silence is the most spineless form of compliance and me not saying a thing made me feel shitty. Sure, I wanted them but not having them doesn't make my life any more incomplete. But I gave in to my own hedonism and materialism. Blah, I'm not a very good son am I...?

Anyway my mom obviously dotes on me a lot, when we got home with all the new gear she told the rest it was reward for 'O' levels even though they were over 1928726219971years ago. That made me even feel more guilty. Also, my sister owns my old iPod touch now. I filled it with apps from the appstore and gave it to her.

An update on the new EeePC netbook I picked for mom - IT'S AWESOME. Very fast for a netbook, twice the batt life of my mac, and weighs only ~1.2kg. Mom has been out of touch with computers since she retired, so I just outfitted it with antivirus/security software and a proper firewall so her netbook doesn't get FUBAR-ed when she surfs the net. We're currently teaching her how to use the netbook and all's going well.

Playing this board game often with the family - it's called blokus. Damn fun and my new strategy has them omwtfbbqpwned more often than not. Very strategic and fun. Reccomended!

~Win Ee

Damn, can't go on the china trip with the rest.

AWAITING SCHOOL

2009-07-16T18:50:00.002+08:00

Today, just finished signing the contract with MDIS; course commences on 03 Aug. Around 2 weeks. Spent around 4 hours researching about netbooks, my mom says she wants one to take down her notes and email people so I took it upon myself to find the best one for her. Decided that the ASUS EeePC 1005HA-P is currently the best in the market right now so we're probably going to get it!(OMG it's so a sexy netbook I'd want it for myself if it weren't for the fact that I already have my lovely aluminium macbook)

Blah yesterday Ms. Ang sent me an sms which made me feel miserable, summed up in a sentence which was "Remember u wrote Ni3 Shi4 Yi1 Ge4 Zhong4 Gan3 Qing2 De4 Ren2, how wld u bear to leave us just like that?" Got me stumped for very long. Yes, I did say I'm a sentimental person and I still think I'm really that way, I still constantly have the class in my mind and I'd spend hours thinking about the memorable times spent with them even when it's past bedtime; not to mention I try my best to keep in touch with everyone, even giving the teachers updates as to how I'm doing and asking how the class is(although they're usually busy, can't blame them - JC is really that mad a rush). However, it just wasn't right choosing not to leave(which I still think is a justified decision) just because I'm sentimental and can't bear to leave them. I'd be my own downfall then because I'd be hindering myself from my true calling. And as a person who seeks raison d'etre for whatever he's doing, I'd say that's very important. Am I selfish to think that way...? Well, I don't know. I'd have to take my family's word for it then; they said the class will forget me sooner than I think and clinging on was futile. Well, I don't want to be cynical nor do I want to come across as a nihilist(though sometimes I do think that way), but I think that'd be the case soon enough. Everyone is busy, they have pw, exams, homework, lots of things to worry about, moreover I'm detached from them, not a part of their life, heck we barely even get in touch. Everyone moves on with their life; life still goes on. I said I'd help them with pw, but it's been 2 weeks and we still haven't met up. Call it paranoia but isn't this a sign that..I'm already detached from the pw group? Gah I'm letting this pain me too much; this is probably natural and inevitable, I'm already out of the system. Who am I to stand in the way of progress? How Darwinian.

Went out with forbien yesterday. Really enjoyed the time spent with them, they never fail to give my mood a great lift. Then L4D. Oh I've missed it and it's really as fun as ever.

Probably not going to update often; spending quite some time in the library to read up etc. What else is there to do for now?

~Win Ee

An update!

2009-07-09T16:12:00.001+08:00

Blogging from my newly reformatted laptop. It took a lot of time and effort to get back all the programs I regarded as necessities but I'm entirely satisfied now because it's awesome. Lookie:

Other matters. I've finished up my registration with MDIS and my life there will officially commence on 3rd August. I'll be taking the same course as my sister so I'll just kope her textbooks I think! The course didn't come cheap so I'll definitely cherish the time in the school, even if I'll only be there for a short 8 months. It'll be a long journey no aside from the duration though.

It's uncanny but when you're not in school you become more conscious of the world around you. I guess school just places a veil over us such that we're led into thinking that there's no life outside of it. A lot of problems are surfacing at home; or I just became conscious of these perhaps inherently obvious issues. I always thought my family(I mean extended as well) was a peaceful, happy and ideal one but it's not. Being at home made me realise how dysfunctional the family web is and it's especially scary and heartbreaking to hear of my uncles' families and breaking apart along with their finances. Then there are those who are very ill and have other assorted problems. My family is at the centre of it all; although we're not entirely without problems ourselves we're somehow the pivot that keeps the entire family web together because of my mom who's ever so good at peacemaking and just simply helping out. I don't think I've ever hidden the fact that I am really attracted to family life so I'm consciously picking up some of my mom's traits and learning from her experiences. Somewhat lamentable is that busy school life has detached me somewhat from my relatives and sometimes I can only say hi, smile, then proceed to watch TV in the living room whilst my mom talks to them. Also, seeing first hand how money issues can wreck a family I've decided to learn more about managing finances from my mom, asking about banking, insurance, annuities, etc. It's kind of pathetic how I'm only learning it now when it's supposed to be pseudo common sense.

And oh, MJ's death. RIP. Watched the memorial last night and it really moved me. Obviously his prime predates my era but he shaped the music world to be what it is today and as a person who loves music I'm very appreciative of what he has done for both music and mankind.

Signing off.

~Win Ee

Renewal – Life after leaving ajc, Day one.

2009-07-02T15:29:00.001+08:00

Yesterday marked the last day of my life as a student in AJC. In all honesty it already ended long ago but the stamp of affirmation was only officially applied yesterday. It ended on a semi-pleasant and relieving note, especially with the symbolically significant words that marked the moment final.

From Mr. Tan, PDG Tutor, “Hey, let’s meet up again soon, alright?” sure!
From Ms. Hu, Sports Club Teacher-in-charge, “All the best and good luck in whatever you are doing, you are welcome to come back any time!” definitely will!

And finally, From Principal, “I think you should be alright since you seem to know what you are doing.” no, I’m damn sure of what I’m doing.

Thus ends the school leaving struggle/saga. My mom heard about my inner struggles somehow and now I feel a lot better. Obviously she now villain-ises the P but to be honest and in hindsight, the P only meant well and I need to thank her for giving me direction and being a stimuli for more determination and conviction. And obviously, that’s just being politically correct.

And so, w/o further ado: my new life! Obviously it’s not going to be terribly exciting since all my friends are in school, but I’m doing fine. So far it’s looking like this:

7:00am Woke up to stupid phone alarm which I forgot to turn off. Went back to sleep, irritated.
9:00am Woke up again/ Brekkie/ Newspapers.
10-11am Net-surfing/news/updates
11am-2.30am BISHAN LIBRARY WITH FAMILY. Read up on psychology reference books and left disappointed at not being able to borrow.

I haven’t planned for the rest of the day yet, I just got back from the Library not too long ago. Still, I’m totally loving what I’m doing right now and I’m happy with my new life. I get to decide what I want to do and I am entirely spontaneous with it and well, it’s extremely liberating! A new lease of life.

As a person who needs passion in whatever he’s doing, it felt good finally reading up on what I intended to study about and I was hooked on the first chapter. I’d probably be going down more often to take notes and just read and relax. Damn it feels good not just drifting aimlessly in school but rather being in control of what you study and living with purpose. Oh – scratch that probably, I will be going down more often to read. I’ll read about the stuff my mom strongly discourages me from studying as well, stuff like philosophy and the like. She’s always like, “Boy ah, why you always study those not very practical things like philosophy and psychology? You cannot earn a living like that, how to survive?” Literally translated from chinese. Well, it’s a passion! I need to love what I’m doing and I want to do what I love doing. And I seriously don’t understand the bad rep with subjects like philosophy. What I figured is that all the great people in their own respective fields are great philosophers as well, because to be great in your field you not only need to have the requisite knowledge, you also need to have insight, perspective, interpretation and application as it’s what separates the best from the mediocre. And that’s exactly what philosophy is about. Case in points include SunTzu, Da Vinci and even everyone’s favourite Einstein. They’re all very remarkable thinkers and have very sophisticated philosophies.

I think a lot of people think that these interests I have are quite dry – well frankly, I don’t find it that way because I’m both introspective and analytic and this offers a platform for me to use my talents which are primarily linguistic and interpretation-based.

This is an exciting part of my life, maybe there’s some uncertainty, maybe I’d deal with a lot of the unknown; both are stimuli of fear but I’m not afraid of anything right now because I know what I want to do and I can set out to do it and it’s such a great relief to me. Definitely no regrets. Looking back, my religious exploration somewhere back in april was in fact maybe out of desperation to add meaning to my life as school life was really actually a void I had to fill. It was never going to work that way and I should have quitted back then so as not to waste time. Still, better late than never! Damn this feels good.

~Win Ee

2009-06-29T09:45:00.001+08:00

Morality is doing right, no matter what you are told.
~~Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.~~

H L Mencken

~Win Ee

2009 AJC, a false dawn.

2009-06-27T13:46:00.002+08:00

Badly wanted to update about the last few days but I hadn’t had the time to. Met the principal to complete my school leaving administration but was met with a shock. The principal talked to me for a full hour, with my mother, sister and Mr. Tan beside me. It was quite intimidating to talk to her like that and I expected moral support from them but I didn’t receive any so it was a hellish hour. In the hour long talk(more of an attack), my strength of character was put into question, my convictions were shaken. Not only that, but I was adjudged to be someone who was running away from his problems, a coward and a “simplistic” person who had no clue as to what he was doing. I didn’t put up a fight in the talk at all. Out of intimidation, out of fear/respect of authority, out of haplessness? I do not know. But at the end of it, my family started to doubt me as well and seeing the used-to-be strong support all but evaporate, I broke down in front of Mr. Tan. It was a very trying time. My request to leave was flatly rejected, of course.

I had an answer to those accusations but I did not voice it out. I broke down and cried not because I accepted those accusations but due to the lack of trust in me by my family and because of how reminiscent the incident seemed to be in comparison to what I faced in Secondary Two. Just like back then, I had nothing and I faced pressure on all sides. In fact I tried hard not to scoff at those accusations because they were all-too-familiar to me because they were the very same ones that were thrust at me back then. Still, they were very different and distinct scenarios. Back then, it was indeed my fault and those accusations absolutely held. I gave up on myself after not having taken the MYEs for that year(due to an arm fracture) and didn’t study at all for my final exams which eventually placed me in the stream I did not want. Back then I did run away from my problems and I didn’t go to cca because I couldn’t face up to expectations and I didn’t even have the courage to try to stay and fight for my place when I was kicked out. I had 0 cca points after 2 years. Back then I refused to go for an end-year math remedial class because I had no courage to be tested again. I came out of that pit and worked hard up from having absolutely nothing except the label of a failure who wasn’t one because he didn’t do well but a failure in the sense he didn’t want to even try and gave up on himself. The worst kind of failure you can think of. Of course I climbed my way up from there to find my way up here, where I am today. Thinking of it, getting the ‘O’ Level cert at the end of it didn’t do myself justice at all, it didn’t document my trials and tribulations, it didn’t show the sacrifices I made nor the hardship I went through, it didn’t capture the spirit I showed to improve my math which was like f9 all the way nor did it encapsulate the long and grueling journey to graduation. I believe now I can say I grew up and those accusations cannot apply to me now.

My parent’s question of my strength of character was especially heartbreaking because they forgot totally about what I went through back then. The principal’s question of it was valid because I haven’t proven myself to her and she only knew of my existence when I walked into her office. But to my parents: Haven’t I proven myself? Why did they doubt me so? Me running away from my problems: WHAT THE EFF. That was my reaction. Still, I had nothing to prove my innocence as I could only muster a “I am not trying to run away” to the principal. Flagged for obvious unjustified disillusioned denial. But my family should have known better: please realise it takes a lot more courage to continue normalcy than to choose to leave. Realise that it took me immense balls to say “oh, this isn’t working out and this isn’t what I want to do, I need to make this choice to leave my friends, my cca, to thrust myself into somewhere new, unknown, maybe a little scary even; because I am willing to stake my future that I know what I want to do is there, even if I may turn out to regret it, its a calculated risk I have to take”.

I felt very resentful towards my sis and my mom after they showed their lack of faith. I wanted to give up almost, “was she right about me convincing myself that I wanted to do it instead of me truly wanted to do it?” Thankfully I knew giving up meant proving those accusations were correct, it drove me to trudge on. And a big thank you goes out to Mr. Tan because of support even after that, and implicit faith in me because he knew I always have wanted to do it(psychology). So in order to leave, I had to find a school/internship from now to april next year to occupy myself. I travelled to a few private institutions to find myself courses to do and it is only today that I have managed to enroll for a diploma in MDIS for about, 8 to 10 months. Obviously it’ll be a very different experience as the people I’m studying with may be even up to twice my age, but I have a goal to work towards. What I could not stand in JC was just plainly drifting and not knowing what I was doing, questioning myself why I was doing what I did not what to do, simply not being happy and in fact being depressed for large periods of time because of a lack of interest in what I was doing. Now, I have a goal, a direction and motivation. Not scared of uncertainty anymore, because I can see a clear path. Obviously the timing at which I figured out I had to leave was…awful(well, talk about not doing it justice; extreme understatement); but things like that is more of enlightenment and instinct, it can’t be…controlled. So I’m still leaving regardless.

Monday, going down to school again, I won’t be sharing with the principal my story, nor will I justify myself; I’ll just pass the registration slip and ask to leave. I won’t clarify myself nor answer the accusations, the only people I need to do that to are to my family because I don’t want them to continue to see me in this light and think I haven’t matured at all. Got to leave this false dawn.

Optimistic on what’s going to happen next. Not going to say goodbye to most because it’d add to my pain.

~Win Ee

PS: Will have to update about BN outing next time. Thanks for giving me strength!

An open letter : choosing to leave jc

2009-06-22T22:13:00.001+08:00

It’s only after a long, long train of thought that I’ve decided to leave AJC and turn to poly education. I haven’t actually left yet, but I intend to and I definitely will leave by the end of this year because my mind is made up. This isn’t a rushed decision, nor is it rash and reckless(although it is up to be judged).

I made this decision because I felt that even after a semester, I am still unable to acclimatise myself with the demands and expectations of JC education, nor had I been able to get used to the school environment itself. The open secret : I hate studying now. And JC life is the catalyst for that and I can say it without any hint of vindictiveness and guilt. I sincerely believe that to be true. As for why so, I can list out a very long list of reasons, but I cannot do so here without filling this post with angst and hate so I shall not do so. Also because despite my own misgivings, I still believe AJ is a great school – Just not for me. Going to school everyday has been made a chore instead of being something to look forward to, and the sole reason why I wake up every morning is to be accountable for myself, to go for cca(which is one of the few things I truly enjoyed) and to see my friends(whom kept me hanging on). Mr. Tan once asked us this question : Why do we wake up and go to school every morning? It’s a fundamental question and yet I could not produce an answer for myself. This was the first indication that made me follow up and think about my future in JC. Also, ever since the start of the curriculum, I have been exceptionally depressed. I’ve been that way for too long now and I can’t crawl out of that pit of conflicting feelings and struggling. JC’s a cause for that. Ken just asked me this question recently after I told him I was depressed : “Since when were you ever happy?” I could not think of an answer to that without reference to the year before. And that’s a cause for worry. I believe studying should be fun and should be conducted in a conducive environment. Without these two fundamental things, the required motivation and passion will be missing as well. I’ve long lost the love and interest in the subjects which I’m studying and I can’t wait to seek reprieve from the hell I’m caught in. I cannot foresee myself doing well for A levels even if I continue on and hence I believe it would be of more benefit for me to leave. This isn’t about being willing to put in effort and giving myself a chance : I know this path isn’t one that I want to take. The sole reason why I went on to JC was because back then, I still wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do in the future. But now I do. In fact I probably already knew back then but just went to JC anyway just to stay on the conventional path and have a back-up plan in case I change my mind. However, I’m sure now of what I want to do and I’m now determined to extricate myself from what has been probably the biggest mistake in my life, which was going to JC.

This decision is the biggest I’ve made thus far in my life and I realise it will affect my future greatly. It took me a lot of courage to come to this decision and even more so to voice it out to my family and close friends. I’ll admit that it was extremely difficult and I broke down; but now the decision was made easier for the fact that I have the full support of my friends and family. They trust that as a maturing adolescent/adult I have the capacity to make such decisions for myself and I intend to repay that trust by not looking back nor swaying in resolve in executing this decision. I will leave, if not tomorrow, at the end of the year. Even if I pass my promos.

The only things that I will be reluctant to see the back of when I leave would be my cca and the true friends I’ve made along the way, like Ken/FX/SG/DX/QJ. Still, I doubt I’ll regret.

Going to TP’s admissions office tomorrow.

~Win Ee

2009-06-18T21:10:00.002+08:00

Today was... an enriching day. Afternoon exco meeting. Well, could anticipate the topics covered etc so it wasn't anything new to be honest. What came after that was more... interesting. Chatted with Sandra about our respective love lives and giving her some advice. Well, what right did I have to give advice looking at my own spiderweb of relationships. And also I realised: I'm such a fucking spineless bastard. But I guess it's part of growing up. I used to tell myself: Grow some balls. I didn't realise I needed to grow a spine 1st. Gah. I can look back and regret but it won't change anything. Must start getting over the past.

And what was more ridiculous was being back home. I was sitting at my desk looking at some news when my sis who was in the bathroom cried for help as there was an insect. She wanted me to get in and help her destroy the bug. Like wtf? It's tough being the only male child at home and they add to the difficulty by being insensitive and forgetting I'm male. Then when she finally got out she left the showerhead on the ground with the water still running. Bleh.

Dinner, uncles came over, one of them was having problems with a son not doing well in JC1 and retaining. Had a super long talk with them about school/jc life. I scared myself shitless talking to them at such a depth, but it'd help my uncle to understand my cousin's problems better so I just pushed on and talked about my personal struggles and the troubles faced in school. I was never close to them previously but for once I was at the table and talking to them as an equal. Obviously it was tough to be completely subjective and not be biased but I must say I did well because I could tell they respected and valued my opinion. They offered me their support which meant a lot to me because I honestly need as much support as possible because I'm quite stretched mentally.

I'm quite drained as stated previously, so much so it's affecting my coherence, so I shall stop here because it's tough to continue. Maybe a post tomorrow. Thank god for friends and loved ones so actually give a shit about me.

~Win Ee

growing up with music

2009-06-17T21:41:00.001+08:00

A holiday is meant to be enjoyed not endured. It seems like a recurring trend that each successive holiday gets exponentially worse. Well, this is like, the 3rd last holiday so I can’t really complain. I just can’t seem to get in the mood to study. Well, true, mood/motivation you’d have to find for yourself but just where the heck is it hiding. This kind of holiday really puts me into an introspective mood because I spend too much time lazing around. I’ve just noticed how the kind of music I listen to progressively changes as I move on to newer phases of my life; listening to music isn’t just for relaxation and enjoyment, more often than not it’s a walk down memory lane. Que Sera Sera/On top of the world reminds me of my diaper years, Disney music(omg I still love them) somehow reminds me of the times when I still had a bathtub and spending afternoons playing with the soap suds and with the mandatory and classic rubber duckie. Of course that’s more than 10 years back. Never knew scouring youtube for music videos can be so emotionally stimulating and addictive. Too bad copyright restrictions suck so bad though. I’ve been listening more Hip Hop/Rap recently. It’s a stark contrast from what I used to listen to and a departure from pop rock/rnb that I loved so much. It’s especially ironic that I used to slate hip hop as being low class and I refused to listen flo rida just because others listened to it. “low low low low low – yeah, low class”. Looking back, I feel a little perplexed because I don’t know why the change of view and preference in just a little over two years. Maybe I’m just fickle. Wait, scratch the maybe. I know I am.

Spending a lot of time watching drama serials as well. Love channel8’s 7pm <<Pearl of the Orient>>! I’ve watched it before on channel55, but it still remains just as refreshing as ever. And damn does xunlan reminds of someone. And damn am I deranged.

And watch this:

You’d find it brilliant if you’ve listened to the original.

~Win Ee

PS: Currently listening to : Damned if I do ya(Damned if I don’t) – All time low
                                           Battlefield – Jordin Sparks
                                           Obsessed – Mariah Carey
                                           Sugar – Flo Rida
                                           Beautiful – Akon
                                           New Divide – Linkin’ Park
                                           Second Chance – Shinedown
                                           You – Brown Eyed Girls (Yeah, I listen to korean music. And korean girls are hot.)
                                           You’re Like Oxygen – SHINee(no gender bias)
                                           Juliette – SHINee

No Surprise – Chris Daughtry is still stuck in my head!

2009-06-06T22:09:00.001+08:00

WIN. Wondergirls parody.

the semester gone by in review

2009-06-04T21:09:00.001+08:00

I’ve been neglecting my blog since god knows when, haven’t really had the time to put out a proper post. Guess I’ve no excuse not to do so now due to the holidays, so I may as well. Well, to call it a “holiday” is an ultimate insult to holidays when you have 1244872752654179169 sets of homework, not to mention make up lectures sprinkled throughout, as well as revision to be done for CT1 which comes right after the holidays. Great huh. I should have known really; the only possible reply to the travesty of the holiday would be : WELCOME TO AJC. Well, other schools have a "real” holiday with no frills like make-up lectures. I guess I can’t complain with the additional time to revise, but I can’t help but bemoan the lack of ample respite from studies. JC life is totally crap by the way, scrap what you know about teach less learn more; it’s teach less learn even exponentially lesser; they even squeezed 6 years worth of syllabus into 1 year and 2 months. It’s life screwing with us students again. Also: never expected the big jump from ‘O’ levels to JC. Even the pure science students lamented that fact; who am I really to even attempt taking science4h2 having taken only combined science. Oh my god. The unprecedented failing spree that has gone unchecked since the start of the year is really starting to scare the shit out of me. Not having a single subject that I’m doing well, bar languages because they’re practically a godsend. Too f*cking bad they’re h1. Not to say its easy either, I hate writing argumentative which is the norm in GP. Whenever I beat SK in our own mini-essay competitions was when the essay was meant to be written in descriptive. It’s the only thing I’m good at really, ‘cos I’m quite biased and bipolar in my views.

Okay it’s the “HOLS”, shan’t screw the good mood with depressing school stuff which I can always face a ‘lil later. Went to the temple in toa payoh today. OH the memories. Visited the columbarium that houses the ashes of my 2nd aunt and her wife, eldest uncle and my maternal granddad. Missed them all loads, especially my aunt who took care of me during my early formative years from 1-12. In fact I dedicated an essay to her in a recent chinese essay, shan’t elaborate because it’s…embarrassing. I miss everything about toa payoh, my primary schools(yes, schools), the awesome wet market with droolicious char kway teow and milk bottle bread, my aunt’s house, the playground pals and the “gai-gai”s in TPY central. It’s all a distant memory now, I no longer feel connected to the place anymore. The place may stay the same, but everything else has changed. Enjoyed the time with my family today. Oh, technically I’m supposed to be a Christian but I guess I’m still a Buddhist as heart, I can’t help but pray silently whenever I go pass a temple. What does that make me? A Buddhrist? Blah, like what Mahatma Gandhi has said, we all follow one true god anyway. So I’ll let others talk their talk whilst I follow my own brand of faith.

Oh right, went to watch Monsters vs. Aliens on Monday with my family, 3D! Y’know, the one that requires you to wear the cyclops-esque glasses. Awesome, except it made me dizzy as hell. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family, going out often with them, it’ didn’t strike me how much I’ve neglected them. One particularly striking outing was on last Friday when all of us celebrated my mom&dad’s wedding anniversary. To be honest I tried to get away because I felt it would be embarrassing but it turned out to be a memorable night. My only gripe is that my sisters all brought along their boyfriends. It made six lovey dovey pairs and 1 depressed envious solitary male. It may only be but a fantasy but still, one day I wish for us(my sisters and I), with our family, and our kids, to go out often with mum&dad. It’d be great. My parents are getting on in age, already hitting 60 and I can’t help but think “Will I have a chance to make a football team before they pass on?” I’m scared. And oh girls. They make me depressed. ALL OF THEM. I know what to do, I’ll threaten to turn gay even though I’d kill myself the instant I do that.

Signing off to bathe. And yes the open secret : Life DOES suck.

~Win Ee